What to be or not to be?

Today, after a family dinner, my grandfather called me over to sit by him. I knew he would talk to me about my career & future, which I have been considering and feeling anxious about for a long time. He told me I should be a librarian. Books are my thing; I have considered being a librarian and have been told by many people I should be one. We talked about it for awhile and he told me I should look into it, that he and my grandmother would help me out. Very generous.

I came home this evening and was just doing some research on library science. So far I can't quite find a program in this are and the closest one is quite expensive. I'm sure I could get some financial aid but it is still a lot. So much more than I make in a couple of years. :(

Not only that, but the application process itself scares me. The dealine for the next entrance is coming up mid-January. There's no way I can wrap my head around that or get everything ready by then. I mean, I probably could but I feel discouraged and as though it wouldn't matter---I wouldn't make it in.

The thing is BOOKS ARE MY THING. I love them. I LOVE them. I LOVE THEM. I would be an excellent librarian. I've simply reached the point where I believe I won't ever find a job or career which will work for me. I'm scared to take the chance.

What to do?

No More Parties.

So, today I hosted a cooking party for my cousin's new wife, K., who is a consultant for a well-known bakeware/kitchen tools line. I'm not really big on having these parties because 1. I hate asking people to come spend money and 2. I don't have many friends who live around here, at all, so I have a hard time coming up with a suitable list and 3. people don't come even when they say they will.

At the same time, I love throwing parties. Of course, I don't mean raucous, immoral, debauched noisy parties but rather cozy, elegant parties where I make delicious foods and people enjoy themselves in a lovely, warm way. Perhaps you think that's the reason no one comes? Not at all.

A Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

I have been rather melancholy the last week. Yesterday none of my friends replied to me on Twitter and it just sort of broke me. I'm always quite encouraging, supportive, & present to people on Twitter---perhaps too much? I try not to over-reply to people's tweets but whenever anyone tweets me I always reply. Isn't that good manners? If someone said something to me vocally I wouldn't ignore that person; I'd reply. Not everyone sees every reply, I suppose, but it doesn't feel good when no one talks to you. I shouldn't take it personally but when I am already feeling depressed and alone I can't help but feel a little unwanted.

I stayed up late last night because I thought there was no way I would be subbing today. I was wrong!!! I got called at 6:30, after I'd got about 4 hours of sleep, and had to be at school in 1 hour. As I'm not a morning person, I take awhile to get ready. I can't speed up easily. I'm thankful to have a sub job but I was so tired.

It is also Trafalgar Day, which is the anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar. As a Naval History nerd I love studying this event and celebrating it in conjunction with my half-birthday so I always make a good English supper and watch Horatio Hornblower and enjoy myself. I have been looking forward to this day for a bit. I'm basically 30 1/2 and I wanted to do something for myself, just a little thing. So, while the sub job threw off my plans a bit, I was still able to get my roast dinner in the oven.

Subbing was alright. I got there and found out I would be subbing a 6th period, which had previously been a time I would have a break. I had been planning to run home and have some coffee and relax a tiny bit. I know I haven't had many sub jobs at all, but with that small amount of sleep and a long day ahead, I needed it. Instead, I got to sub in a study hall. It wasn't bad but I'd rather have been at home. I did have a smaller break after that but I spent the time clock-watching. Returned for a class. Came home for a period I didn't have a class, which was next to lunch, so I had a bit longer than before. Got my roast in the oven & relaxed a bit before going back for the rest of the classes.

It was wonderful to see a lot of students, who I hadn't seen in quite awhile. Some of them were lovely. Three of the classes were advanced government and politics. I love politics so sometimes it is hard not to discuss with students. I don't believe a teacher should push her political opinions on students but, at the same time, should help students think about things in different ways by asking questions. This can be a good thing until students ask your opinion or start saying ridiculous things and you try to direct them back. Occasionally with upper class-men I will discuss things. That's what I did today. Some students are able to just listen & discuss & see things from other sides. Other students want to play "I know more & I'm right because I'm a Liberal" game. That never goes well. It doesn't matter if one brings up things that are generally known (because you didn't happen to print out your statistics for the day); they will basically call you racist or say you are being stereotypical and refuse to directly answer questions. And even if I can discuss such things and walk away without thinking badly of someone, I don't know if most teenagers can do that. It doesn't seem like it. I hate finishing a discussion, seeing the kid walk over to friends, and then they laugh. At me? At my opinions? Shouldn't bother me but when I'm down it does.

And then there are the immature students one has to remind to stay on task constantly. They like to band together and whisper and laugh and even if one knows they are immature, one can't help but feel a little anxious over the thought they are actually truly whispering rude things about you instead of just pretending to annoy you. Again, something that shouldn't bother me, as a mature adult, but something that does when I am melancholy.

So that all happened. And then my sister texted and said "I know you need some extra money so do you want to take my place selling tickets at the game tonight?" No. I hate that. I wanted to enjoy my meal and relax, especially after working 2 nights this week, getting hardly any sleep, feeling like crying all day, having to work tomorrow, and, oh yes, I don't want to do that. She basically guilted me into doing it.

Got home feeling upset & exhausted. Relaxed a bit. Thought my mum was going to help me finish dinner but she ended up not coming. The gravy was not thickening and since I am tired I got all messy all over the counter and stove top. Didn't get to make my Yorkshire Puddings or dessert. I was running out of time just to eat. Hurriedly had dinner with my father (he was selling tickets, too). Went to the game. It wasn't too bad but he was awfully chatty with the people going into the game and I just didn't want to hear chatter. I had it all day.

Got home to find someone parked in my spot. At least the dog was happy to see me.

There were a couple of bright spots today, which I really ought to put at the front of my mind rather than the bad things. It was lovely to see kids who were glad to see me and wanted to chat for a few minutes. Two girls wrote me a sweet poem and performed it for me. That was the best. I have it in my purse and must put it in my bedroom to warm my heart when I am down. I saw a couple of graduated students at the game and it was wonderful to say hi, especially when the girl said she loves the stuff on my Facebook and might creep a little. So sweet! I'm glad they are still dating because they are nice kids. I will focus on those things. And try not to let everything else get me down.

Be happy, Perdita.

And a Half.

Such neglect.

I find myself fast approaching my half birthday. Can it possibly be half a year since I turned 30?

And what have I got to show for myself? Anything better than a year ago?

Sadly, the answer is no. In fact, in some ways I am worse off than I was even half-a-year ago. The school I sub at has changed schedules and no longer uses subs much at all. I have only been there twice. So now that job is basically non-existent and I must find other schools or a completely different job. What a depressing situation.

I did not get as much back on my tax return as I expected, based on the last couple of years. Yet, I have hardly made more than I did. It is horrid that I am not even making enough to live on but still don't get it all back.

I have been feeling rather melancholy lately. For none and sundry reasons, nothing I can really pinpoint, except my general lack of earthly success. I have realized that I am not an ambitious person. I don't desire to be high up in the world or to invent the next thing, set trends, or be well known. I happen to think not being ambitious is a good thing. Yet, I need to find it within me to be somewhat ambitious and make something of myself.

If I were to allow myself any ambitions they would simply be to have a solid job, where I made enough money to live & save for my little trips & the future, a good car, a home of my own, a dog, and a husband who loves me despite my very obvious flaws.

And there they are . . . the things I must achieve (job, car, home), the things I will probably have (the dog & money to live), & the thing I will never, ever have and never ever say aloud (a husband who loves me).

Lately I have been thinking about the fact that I am 30 and, even if I met a man in the next year or so, I'll be 31 in 6 months. So, if we met in the next 6 months, dated for a year, got engaged, & had an engagement of a year, I'd be 32 at engagement & somewhere around 33 at my wedding (those are 2 words I don't put together: "my" & "wedding"). I am not one of those people who understands deciding to have children directly after a marriage. It seems logical to me to take a year or two to be a married couple at the least, with just the two of you. You have to grow together and learn how to be together and balance being 1 couple with being 2 individuals. If you add a child in immediately, it seems, to me, that you are skipping over very important things.

So, if I got married at 33 and wanted 2 years just with my husband, I'd be 35-ish before I even wanted a child and either 35 or 36 by the time I had a child. That sounds exhausting. I'm exhausted thinking about babysitting a child for an hour at 30 1/2.

The truth is I'm not very fond of children in general. I like well-behaved children who I know but I don't really have a desire to be a parent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, until a child is grown. On very rare occasions, perhaps when my stone walls are down a little, I briefly wonder about how I would love & instruct my own child. Probably most often when I see parents who don't seem to understand how to raise well-mannered, thoughtful, Faithful children & know I would never do things that way. On other occasions I think about the sort of books, music, food, way of living I would introduce to my child. Yet, I don't really want to go through the actual physical labor of having a child. Perhaps someday I'll be a foster parent to a teenager in need (though I firmly believe every child needs a married mother & father, so that's probably unlikely.).

So, if I managed to meet a husband between now and then, I find it unlikely I would want to have a child. I would be exhausted, which makes me feel quite selfish, but since it is MOST HIGHLY UNLIKELY I will ever meet a husband I suppose this is all pointless.

In some ways, I am glad to know that I have thought this through. I don't know if I would want to be a parent either way so knowing I shall be quite old (or that I'm already old) makes me feel a little better. Odd, isn't it?

But, it does hurt my heart to think about how I will never have a husband. I am pretty sure about this. I will confess,  however, that I have thought several times about how perhaps God has not sent me a husband because I am not at a good place in my life, financially, mentally, logistically. I know God can do anything & He has a plan for me, but for all my faith in other areas, I cannot believe I shall get a husband. Who would love me? (The answer all my life seems to be a largely resounding NO ONE.)

Still, I do believe there is something to the argument that if one is a believer in God, then God will send that person when one is most ready. If we seek God, we will eventually find the person God has for us. But isn't it true that some of us are not meant to be with someone? That some of us are meant to be alone? I feel sure that is me. My life bears that out. Yet is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Have I put myself in this position? Possibly but I don't know. Wouldn't I have had some inkling or at least one date?

As always, I do not believe I shall meet anyone. I would feel foolish going on my first date EVER (yes, I am that pathetic, dear reader) when I am older than 30. My students have more dating experience than I do.

I really must strive to be at peace with my solitary existence. If I am right, I shall be in this state all the days of my life and I would rather not spend them in deep melancholy (however romantic that might be). I have honestly been feeling more peaceful, faithful, and even somewhat happy lately. Not happy forever but more positive than depressed. This latest melancholy is about a week and a half old  and I am trying to fight it. A friend deleted me from her life---her problems, not mine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And I feel neglected by friends (or perhaps "friends"). When I am down any non-response to a tweet or anything feels like a dagger to the chest.

I pray God things begin to look up. I must figure out a way to make money. God bless us all.

"What are you doing for your birthday?"

My 30th birthday is coming up quite soon and I have absolutely no plans. My family has something they want to do that night, which is special but entirely optional, and I don't think my best friend, who doesn't live here anyway, even remembers my birthday is this week.

At one point, at least a month ago, my mother said "What if we took you to dinner at *********** at 4:30 for your birthday?" That's so they can squeeze me in before going to their thing. Fabulous. I do like that restaurant. Delicious food. I didn't say yes or no but no one has asked since so I'm sure they assume that's the plan.

I have spent my whole life being fitted in when it is convenient for people---or not at all---not when when it is convenient for me or when it would make me feel special. I don't want to be shoved in only when it is convenient for someone on my own 30th birthday.

Is it too much to ask that I be treated as though I am special on ONE DAY in the WHOLE YEAR???? I'm never special, to anyone, and it would be so lovely to be wanted and treated specially? I don't want to celebrate another day (as was also suggested). Another day won't be my 30th birthday. I work on Saturday this week and next. Sunday is Easter. Should you like me to wait until May?

So, as of now, I have no plans for my birthday other than perhaps buying myself some takeaway dinner and watching Pride & Prejudice, Bones, and making myself some cupcakes?

Pathetic & loser-ish but what else is new?

Part of me does say "Why worry? Just enjoy whatever people do for you!" but then I remind myself that I'm being scheduled at someone's convenience. Way to make a girl feel wanted and loved on her birthday.

No Where

My 30th birthday is coming up so very soon and I haven't even been good at blogging. I feel like I'm a complete failure in absolutely everything in life. I am good at lots of things but apparently not excellent at anything. At least, that's how people make me feel. I have nothing and I am nothing. I just want to belong somewhere.

Review

This evening I got my review at my 2nd job. It went pretty well except that apparently my "coworkers say she is a complainer."

Great. Not just that I "complain" but that I AM "a complainer."

I'm upset about this. I know I complain. I haven't been happy the last year or so, other than some brilliant flashes of light. And I'm never happy to be at that job. The manager does not treat me fairly and other people complain frequently, too. When I complain I do it along with the person I am working with, so is everyone being labeled "a complainer"?

I have basically had to work every day around every holiday and every holiday since I began working there. If I don't manage to ask for one of those days off, then I'll have to work it. This happens to no one else. I could write a list here but I need to get some sleep. Seriously, it never fails. And the manager made a rule that no more than 3 people could ask for a specific day off. I'm not there as often so usually when I get the chance people (who have already had all the holidays/days off) have already put their names down. So, being a rule follower, I don't write my name down, too. And then I am punished for that by having to work it.

The new girl, who started before the holidays AS HOLIDAY HELP, wrote her name down for a specific day which already had 3 names on it. I would have enjoyed that day off but since there were already 3 requests I didn't do it. But she did and she got it off and I had to work. She also didn't have to work Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas. I worked both. She was hired to work as holiday help. So she should have worked the holidays. And she often gets more hours than I do or better shifts. And no, it isn't because I complain. The manager is the only one who makes the schedules and I never complain to her because it wouldn't do any good. (And before you ask, I'm sure she would have mentioned this during my review if she did this because she knew I get upset. She schedules herself first and she doesn't care.)

One is likely to struggle through unfair treatment if there comes a day when she is no longer the new person and is no longer treated like the new person, given the worst shifts, all the holidays, etc., etc. But when she is no longer the new associate and is still treated the same way it doesn't lead to happiness. Instead, it leads to a demoralized, depressed attitude. What is the point of working extra hours when we suddenly have some that need filled or going in when a co-worker calls in sick, even though it was the only day off? Yes, I could use the money but is it unimportant that I am willing to do what is needed for the store? That I give of myself? Why do I bother?

I complain at work about work. Isn't that how life goes? I complain because I hope someone will say "Yes, you have been treated badly. I'll see if I can mention it discreetly." I would do that for someone. The manager told me that I need to leave my complaining at the door and to know "everyone here cares about you." YEAH RIGHT. That's why I work all the holidays/days around holidays/worst shifts . . . because everyone cares.

So now I'm afraid to say anything at all because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. So what do I do when co-workers start complaining? Remain silent? I feel like never talking again.

I can't win for losing in this life. Someday I hope to find a job where I am treated with respect and fairness and I'm so happy that I have nothing to complain about. So far it doesn't seem likely.

I hate this. I wish I could just get over this. I wish I were a more optimistic person but I'm just not. I haven't been happy for a long time and I don't know how to just make myself be that way. It honestly isn't in my nature. The thing is, I like who I am and I don't feel the need to change for anybody. That's not to say I don't complain too much; I probably do. But I'm not going to suddenly be a more cheerful person just because someone else wants me to be. I don't want to be that way, all fake-y and plastic. I'M NOT GOING TO BE FAKE. I am who I am and I love who I am. There are things I want to improve about myself, but I know that I am a good and supportive person, that I try to make the people around me feel loved or at least better (I do try, even though I'm not as good about it with family).

I also work during the day, often, and then go to my second job in the evenings, which means I'm already exhausted from working with teenagers all day. I'm very, very much an introvert and being around people exhausts me. I rarely feel well rested so it is hard to be at a 2nd job while I should be having dinner and relaxing like most people. I'M TIRED. When I'm tired I get irritable and I complain. Don't like it? Don't listen.

I suppose I shall just have to use this blog to share my frustrations since I can't do it at work and I have no one who cares to listen. Perhaps it will be cathartic?

Alas, I have not continued . . . Part 2.

I had to be out of my hotel room by 11am on Sunday or I would be charged for another night. The difficult was my friend couldn't pick me up until after 3pm. I woke up with a terrible headache, which means I also felt sick. I have been able to feel better sometimes by eating something and drinking caffeine, so I ate some mini-powdered donuts and drinking a Diet Pepsi while staying in bed and watching something. It didn't work. I ended up throwing up in the shower. Not fun. I rushed to get ready and pack at the same time and made it out by 11am. I needed batteries so I managed to find a store and wandered around. I texted a former student to see if she wanted to meet for tea but she'd been in Urgent Care for illness.

It was around noon so I decided to find a place to eat and waste some time. There is so much to do in that city but I didn't want to go anywhere full of people and where parking would be a stress. I ended up seeing a pub with a lovely name so I decided to drive up there and have a look, possibly eat. I stopped on the way up to get out and walk along some water. It was gorgeous. Found the pub. Parked nearby. Walked around a gazebo and down by a dock. Took some pictures and sat looking at the water for a few minutes. Walked up to the pub but didn't feel like eating pub food. What I really wanted was specific pizza. So I went back to the car, put the pizza chain into the GPS, and finally found one. It was perfect timing. I went in. Ordered. Wrote in my little journal (I started writing in one again for this trip). Ate my food & drank my soda. Perfect. The waitress was lovely and made sure I got my food before the hordes of people who came in just after did, since I was alone. I gave her a nice tip.

I had to return my car to the airport and then wait there for my friend to pick me up, since she & her husband had to drive past in order to go to the other city (which is where they are from). I planned to sit at Starbucks and read, write, drink coffee until they were ready. It ended up being a little later than I expected but still perfect timing.

I don't know this friend particularly well and had never met her husband but they were such a blessing to me. They saved me from having to spend a ton of money to return my car in a different city than the one I got it in. The trip down went quite well and rather quickly. Her husband dozed in the backseat while she and I got on superbly (no surprise). We dropped him off at their house and then went to dinner at a really amazingly cool place before she dropped me off at the airport to pick up my new car.

I got my car and managed to get to my aunt's across the river, despite the once-again-malfunctioning GPS. It was such a relief to be there. All I wanted to do was go to bed but ended up staying up to watch a film with her. Sleep was a blessing.

I slept in a bit the next morning and got up to find my aunt had left me a note with some tea and breakfast-y things prettily arrange on the table. She had a meeting but wanted to take me to lunch later. I got ready and when she got back we went to a fabulous French bistro/bakery. It was delicious and lovely. Then she drove me over to the venue so I could see where it was and scope out the parking. And then, she took me to the best bookstore in the world. I love it there. We browsed for about an hour and I got some books, though not the one I wanted. We recrossed the river back to her house. She gave me a little driving tour of a local fort area before we got home, which was really cool. I'd love to go back someday.

I'm going to write the next part in another post . . .

Alas, I have not continued . . . Part 1.

I fully intended to use this blog as a means of venting and expressing things that no one around me cares to listen to or support me in. But, as is often the case in life, I have been dealing with computer issues and the regular experiences everyone has.

Lately, I have been feeling quite alone and depressed, mostly late at night, when one would most expect to feel that way. I had been looking forward to a trip at the end of January/beginning of February to see one of my favorite musicians and some friends.

Unfortunately, I spent the better part of the week before I left, and all of the night before, fighting with my family and feeling completely alone. I almost canceled my trip. I felt entirely alone in the world, cut off from everyone, without anyone to turn to or anyone to even just touch my hand.

I ended up going on that trip. I hardly got any sleep the night before because I was arranging things, packing, and upset. I woke up with something of a headache, which happens when I'm emotionally stressed, and scrambled to finish packing while crying off and on. The hard thing is to stop crying when you know it will only make you feel worse but knowing you can't.

Got to my destination. Ate a little lunch. Picked up my car. Found a store to get some food. Went to the in-store performance where I ran into my friends. The two I was closest to, D & P, were together, having been to see the musician's concert in another city the night before. I was glad to see them because I needed just someone to be around. Maybe it was just me but I felt a bit awkward with them. The in-store didn't last long and they didn't talk to me much.

D was staying at P's house but because P had a ton of stuff going on Sunday she had told me it would be difficult if I stayed there. I can't say it didn't hurt. She said if I wanted to I'd have to be out by 9am. I do completely understand her side and having stuff to get done. Only, in the past she has repeatedly told me I was welcome any time. This time she said it was difficult with out of town people and people in town and all. The thing is that D was already staying so how much harder was that? What she wrote shouldn't have hurt me because I told her to be honest but if I'm being honest, too, it really did. If a friend of mine were coming over here alone and needed a place to stay for the night I would not treat her request with such brusque words and I would tell her of course. D told me I should just stay and get up. My problem, though, was that I was going to be riding down to another city with another friend and that wasn't going to be until late afternoon. I didn't know where to go for 6-7 hours, all alone, and I knew I was going to have a headache from my stress, emotions, and traveling (I never drink enough water when I don't have a "base" I can be at).

So, I got a very cheap hotel room with help from my mother. I was trying to do this trip as cheaply as possible because I don't have a lot of money to spend on such things and just sleeping on the floor at someone's house would have been so helpful and a blessing. Thanks to my mother! After the in-store I made my way to my hotel and checked in. The doors opened to the parking lot, not to hallways, which I had been expecting, and I felt a little nervous at the fact I was staying by myself with just a thing door between me and anyone outside, but determined to feel fine. It wasn't anything special but it would do. I should have relaxed or taken a nap but I had to be ready in 2 hours to meet a group of people for dinner. I always like to unpack and put my things about me when I'm staying in a room or hotel, so I fluttered around, putting my toiletries away, putting the snacks I'd bought on the table, and watching random things on the tv (after I fixed the cable attachment so it wasn't fuzzy).

I am afraid time got away from me. It was the first time in a few days I felt a little relaxed and I did not want to get ready or go out. The show wasn't until 9pm so I wished dinner, at a restaurant quite close to the venue, were set for 7pm rather than 6:15pm. That 45 minutes would have made a huge difference to me. But, anyway, I left at 6pm, underestimated the time it would take me to get there and find parking, and, of course, had trouble with the GPS. Got to dinner. Felt like I had no one to talk to, though I sat quite close to D & P, and completely out of the loop. I went up to the bathroom with D, who started telling me that another of the group, who is very manipulative and acts like she's best friends forever with this musician, had told her bad things about him and she'd tell me later. Thanks for bringing me down & making me feel anxious about him and the show. Another friend who I don't really enjoy spending a lot of time with, A, hadn't been able to make dinner but was coming for the show asked if we could wait to walk over to the venue so she didn't have to walk alone. I felt a bit annoyed because people always ask things like this of me but never reciprocate. Besides, it was a very happening area and there were plenty of people around. She was driving around looking for parking. I have no sense of direction or the area, which I had never been to before, so I said I needed to stay with the group. I felt guilty but I didn't want to end up separated and lost.

I walked to the venue with the group and went in. A called & asked if I would go with her while she parked and then walk back. I gave in and went out. It took forever but we parked over by where I had parked and made our way back. I sort of just stayed around the people I was with, waiting for the show. Some of the things D had said made me not want to be by the stage so I hung back while A went closer. I felt cut off and alone because P & D were just talking with the manipulative one and another girl.

It was a great turnout at the show and I felt so proud. I have put a lot of work into L's career and I was proud that things were happening for him. This would be the first time I would see him play with a band so I was anxious about how that would be. And I was still feeling out of place and alone. It was such a blessing that 2 of my "cousins" came! I was so very glad to see them I could have cried. For the first time in awhile I didn't feel alone. It was wonderful. They really loved L and the show was great!!

Afterward, we waited awhile & then most of us walked to our cars. I went with A and we separated after we got to our cars. I went back to my hotel and was so glad to be in my room, all alone. Isn't it weird how one can feel alone and then be with people and then be glad to be alone? I just wanted away from the awkwardness and to relax. I ended up staying up much too late, eating a little snack and watching Justified while trying to drink as much water as possible, though I knew I would probably not defeat the Headache.

Continued next . . .