No More Parties.

So, today I hosted a cooking party for my cousin's new wife, K., who is a consultant for a well-known bakeware/kitchen tools line. I'm not really big on having these parties because 1. I hate asking people to come spend money and 2. I don't have many friends who live around here, at all, so I have a hard time coming up with a suitable list and 3. people don't come even when they say they will.

At the same time, I love throwing parties. Of course, I don't mean raucous, immoral, debauched noisy parties but rather cozy, elegant parties where I make delicious foods and people enjoy themselves in a lovely, warm way. Perhaps you think that's the reason no one comes? Not at all.

And a Half.

Such neglect.

I find myself fast approaching my half birthday. Can it possibly be half a year since I turned 30?

And what have I got to show for myself? Anything better than a year ago?

Sadly, the answer is no. In fact, in some ways I am worse off than I was even half-a-year ago. The school I sub at has changed schedules and no longer uses subs much at all. I have only been there twice. So now that job is basically non-existent and I must find other schools or a completely different job. What a depressing situation.

I did not get as much back on my tax return as I expected, based on the last couple of years. Yet, I have hardly made more than I did. It is horrid that I am not even making enough to live on but still don't get it all back.

I have been feeling rather melancholy lately. For none and sundry reasons, nothing I can really pinpoint, except my general lack of earthly success. I have realized that I am not an ambitious person. I don't desire to be high up in the world or to invent the next thing, set trends, or be well known. I happen to think not being ambitious is a good thing. Yet, I need to find it within me to be somewhat ambitious and make something of myself.

If I were to allow myself any ambitions they would simply be to have a solid job, where I made enough money to live & save for my little trips & the future, a good car, a home of my own, a dog, and a husband who loves me despite my very obvious flaws.

And there they are . . . the things I must achieve (job, car, home), the things I will probably have (the dog & money to live), & the thing I will never, ever have and never ever say aloud (a husband who loves me).

Lately I have been thinking about the fact that I am 30 and, even if I met a man in the next year or so, I'll be 31 in 6 months. So, if we met in the next 6 months, dated for a year, got engaged, & had an engagement of a year, I'd be 32 at engagement & somewhere around 33 at my wedding (those are 2 words I don't put together: "my" & "wedding"). I am not one of those people who understands deciding to have children directly after a marriage. It seems logical to me to take a year or two to be a married couple at the least, with just the two of you. You have to grow together and learn how to be together and balance being 1 couple with being 2 individuals. If you add a child in immediately, it seems, to me, that you are skipping over very important things.

So, if I got married at 33 and wanted 2 years just with my husband, I'd be 35-ish before I even wanted a child and either 35 or 36 by the time I had a child. That sounds exhausting. I'm exhausted thinking about babysitting a child for an hour at 30 1/2.

The truth is I'm not very fond of children in general. I like well-behaved children who I know but I don't really have a desire to be a parent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, until a child is grown. On very rare occasions, perhaps when my stone walls are down a little, I briefly wonder about how I would love & instruct my own child. Probably most often when I see parents who don't seem to understand how to raise well-mannered, thoughtful, Faithful children & know I would never do things that way. On other occasions I think about the sort of books, music, food, way of living I would introduce to my child. Yet, I don't really want to go through the actual physical labor of having a child. Perhaps someday I'll be a foster parent to a teenager in need (though I firmly believe every child needs a married mother & father, so that's probably unlikely.).

So, if I managed to meet a husband between now and then, I find it unlikely I would want to have a child. I would be exhausted, which makes me feel quite selfish, but since it is MOST HIGHLY UNLIKELY I will ever meet a husband I suppose this is all pointless.

In some ways, I am glad to know that I have thought this through. I don't know if I would want to be a parent either way so knowing I shall be quite old (or that I'm already old) makes me feel a little better. Odd, isn't it?

But, it does hurt my heart to think about how I will never have a husband. I am pretty sure about this. I will confess,  however, that I have thought several times about how perhaps God has not sent me a husband because I am not at a good place in my life, financially, mentally, logistically. I know God can do anything & He has a plan for me, but for all my faith in other areas, I cannot believe I shall get a husband. Who would love me? (The answer all my life seems to be a largely resounding NO ONE.)

Still, I do believe there is something to the argument that if one is a believer in God, then God will send that person when one is most ready. If we seek God, we will eventually find the person God has for us. But isn't it true that some of us are not meant to be with someone? That some of us are meant to be alone? I feel sure that is me. My life bears that out. Yet is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Have I put myself in this position? Possibly but I don't know. Wouldn't I have had some inkling or at least one date?

As always, I do not believe I shall meet anyone. I would feel foolish going on my first date EVER (yes, I am that pathetic, dear reader) when I am older than 30. My students have more dating experience than I do.

I really must strive to be at peace with my solitary existence. If I am right, I shall be in this state all the days of my life and I would rather not spend them in deep melancholy (however romantic that might be). I have honestly been feeling more peaceful, faithful, and even somewhat happy lately. Not happy forever but more positive than depressed. This latest melancholy is about a week and a half old  and I am trying to fight it. A friend deleted me from her life---her problems, not mine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And I feel neglected by friends (or perhaps "friends"). When I am down any non-response to a tweet or anything feels like a dagger to the chest.

I pray God things begin to look up. I must figure out a way to make money. God bless us all.

Alas, I have not continued . . . Part 1.

I fully intended to use this blog as a means of venting and expressing things that no one around me cares to listen to or support me in. But, as is often the case in life, I have been dealing with computer issues and the regular experiences everyone has.

Lately, I have been feeling quite alone and depressed, mostly late at night, when one would most expect to feel that way. I had been looking forward to a trip at the end of January/beginning of February to see one of my favorite musicians and some friends.

Unfortunately, I spent the better part of the week before I left, and all of the night before, fighting with my family and feeling completely alone. I almost canceled my trip. I felt entirely alone in the world, cut off from everyone, without anyone to turn to or anyone to even just touch my hand.

I ended up going on that trip. I hardly got any sleep the night before because I was arranging things, packing, and upset. I woke up with something of a headache, which happens when I'm emotionally stressed, and scrambled to finish packing while crying off and on. The hard thing is to stop crying when you know it will only make you feel worse but knowing you can't.

Got to my destination. Ate a little lunch. Picked up my car. Found a store to get some food. Went to the in-store performance where I ran into my friends. The two I was closest to, D & P, were together, having been to see the musician's concert in another city the night before. I was glad to see them because I needed just someone to be around. Maybe it was just me but I felt a bit awkward with them. The in-store didn't last long and they didn't talk to me much.

D was staying at P's house but because P had a ton of stuff going on Sunday she had told me it would be difficult if I stayed there. I can't say it didn't hurt. She said if I wanted to I'd have to be out by 9am. I do completely understand her side and having stuff to get done. Only, in the past she has repeatedly told me I was welcome any time. This time she said it was difficult with out of town people and people in town and all. The thing is that D was already staying so how much harder was that? What she wrote shouldn't have hurt me because I told her to be honest but if I'm being honest, too, it really did. If a friend of mine were coming over here alone and needed a place to stay for the night I would not treat her request with such brusque words and I would tell her of course. D told me I should just stay and get up. My problem, though, was that I was going to be riding down to another city with another friend and that wasn't going to be until late afternoon. I didn't know where to go for 6-7 hours, all alone, and I knew I was going to have a headache from my stress, emotions, and traveling (I never drink enough water when I don't have a "base" I can be at).

So, I got a very cheap hotel room with help from my mother. I was trying to do this trip as cheaply as possible because I don't have a lot of money to spend on such things and just sleeping on the floor at someone's house would have been so helpful and a blessing. Thanks to my mother! After the in-store I made my way to my hotel and checked in. The doors opened to the parking lot, not to hallways, which I had been expecting, and I felt a little nervous at the fact I was staying by myself with just a thing door between me and anyone outside, but determined to feel fine. It wasn't anything special but it would do. I should have relaxed or taken a nap but I had to be ready in 2 hours to meet a group of people for dinner. I always like to unpack and put my things about me when I'm staying in a room or hotel, so I fluttered around, putting my toiletries away, putting the snacks I'd bought on the table, and watching random things on the tv (after I fixed the cable attachment so it wasn't fuzzy).

I am afraid time got away from me. It was the first time in a few days I felt a little relaxed and I did not want to get ready or go out. The show wasn't until 9pm so I wished dinner, at a restaurant quite close to the venue, were set for 7pm rather than 6:15pm. That 45 minutes would have made a huge difference to me. But, anyway, I left at 6pm, underestimated the time it would take me to get there and find parking, and, of course, had trouble with the GPS. Got to dinner. Felt like I had no one to talk to, though I sat quite close to D & P, and completely out of the loop. I went up to the bathroom with D, who started telling me that another of the group, who is very manipulative and acts like she's best friends forever with this musician, had told her bad things about him and she'd tell me later. Thanks for bringing me down & making me feel anxious about him and the show. Another friend who I don't really enjoy spending a lot of time with, A, hadn't been able to make dinner but was coming for the show asked if we could wait to walk over to the venue so she didn't have to walk alone. I felt a bit annoyed because people always ask things like this of me but never reciprocate. Besides, it was a very happening area and there were plenty of people around. She was driving around looking for parking. I have no sense of direction or the area, which I had never been to before, so I said I needed to stay with the group. I felt guilty but I didn't want to end up separated and lost.

I walked to the venue with the group and went in. A called & asked if I would go with her while she parked and then walk back. I gave in and went out. It took forever but we parked over by where I had parked and made our way back. I sort of just stayed around the people I was with, waiting for the show. Some of the things D had said made me not want to be by the stage so I hung back while A went closer. I felt cut off and alone because P & D were just talking with the manipulative one and another girl.

It was a great turnout at the show and I felt so proud. I have put a lot of work into L's career and I was proud that things were happening for him. This would be the first time I would see him play with a band so I was anxious about how that would be. And I was still feeling out of place and alone. It was such a blessing that 2 of my "cousins" came! I was so very glad to see them I could have cried. For the first time in awhile I didn't feel alone. It was wonderful. They really loved L and the show was great!!

Afterward, we waited awhile & then most of us walked to our cars. I went with A and we separated after we got to our cars. I went back to my hotel and was so glad to be in my room, all alone. Isn't it weird how one can feel alone and then be with people and then be glad to be alone? I just wanted away from the awkwardness and to relax. I ended up staying up much too late, eating a little snack and watching Justified while trying to drink as much water as possible, though I knew I would probably not defeat the Headache.

Continued next . . .