No More Parties.

So, today I hosted a cooking party for my cousin's new wife, K., who is a consultant for a well-known bakeware/kitchen tools line. I'm not really big on having these parties because 1. I hate asking people to come spend money and 2. I don't have many friends who live around here, at all, so I have a hard time coming up with a suitable list and 3. people don't come even when they say they will.

At the same time, I love throwing parties. Of course, I don't mean raucous, immoral, debauched noisy parties but rather cozy, elegant parties where I make delicious foods and people enjoy themselves in a lovely, warm way. Perhaps you think that's the reason no one comes? Not at all.


I love planning what foods to make, in a little theme, what beverages to provide, what to use for decorations and plates and napkins. I love having people come over and enjoy themselves. I love cooking for people and making them feel welcome. When this actually happens I love it.

Unfortunately for me, this has happened quite rarely. I've always been rather a loner and never had very many friends who lived nearby. Now that I've grown up (oh, 30), I've found some good friends but they do not live here so they cannot come to such things. My oldest friend still lives here but she doesn't always come when she says she will (though she is not a typically flaky person).

Unlike most people I see in pop culture or from my own observations, I do not have a group of friends from university who have remained close. I never lived at the university, so no built in flatmates, I never made lasting relationships with people from classes (not for lack of trying---most lived on campus and built other friendships), was not ever fully included where I worked, and the group I associated most with apparently didn't consider me as integral as I believed myself to be. That means I've only got a couple of friends from university and, even before that, only a very few friends from the first 18 years of my life.

I don't have a group of friends I go and do things with on a regular basis. I don't even know what that's like. I wish I did, more than I can say, but I haven't the faintest idea how to go about finding them. It would be so lovely.

Anyway, back to today: since our dog is a little difficult, I asked my aunt if we could have the party at her house and she said yes. It is a perfect place to do it and since she lives alone it is quite clean with no mess. I sent out some invitations, created a Facebook event so I could sort of double up the chance someone would be aware of it. Some people said they would love to come. I was cautiously delighted. People always say that and then never show. Decided on what to make (I can't have people over and only serve whatever the consultant was going to make.), what to drink, etc. Tried to think of more people to invite. Had my mother and sister take catalogues to work. K. said I should tell people who are out of town they can look at the website and then e-mail her (yay for one of my aunts who doesn't live here but ordered!).

I made lovely food. Today arrived and I wasn't sure who was coming or not but hoped it would be a nice sized turnout. My mother told me she had invited someone else from Church (yay!). My aunt was going to be at my grandparents' and told me she'd probably make it at the end, which was disappointing. My oldest friend texted and said she wasn't coming because she was going to look at a house but she'd stop by for a catalogue later. Disappointing.

My mother and I went to my aunt's and set things up. K. arrived her husband, my cousin, and their new baby, and got set up. My mother's Church friend arrived and then my sister. And that was it. No one else came. No one texted and said "Sorry, can't come after all." So it was a very small party.

For awhile I had to try not to cry because I was so upset that, once again, basically no one came. I told myself that I should just enjoy it anyway and eventually I began to (except when I was in a room alone). I thought it was a very interesting presentation and liked learning about the products. I kept catching myself glancing back out the window and at my phone. Nothing.

At least the food was good.

My aunt arrived after we'd cleaned everything up and my mother and her friend had ordered. She ordered something, too. That's very nice. For me it isn't about any hostess gift or discount or anything. I hope K. made some money and I wanted there to be a nice order total but it wasn't my focus. I just wanted people to come and enjoy themselves and maybe buy something. I feel bad that I'm such a pathetic loser and couldn't find more people to invite.

I'm just quite disappointed that people didn't come. It has made me aware of not wanting to do that to other people when they invite me to parties. I don't think I'll be doing another party any time soon. This was too depressing.