I have been rather melancholy the last week. Yesterday none of my friends replied to me on Twitter and it just sort of broke me. I'm always quite encouraging, supportive, & present to people on Twitter---perhaps too much? I try not to over-reply to people's tweets but whenever anyone tweets me I always reply. Isn't that good manners? If someone said something to me vocally I wouldn't ignore that person; I'd reply. Not everyone sees every reply, I suppose, but it doesn't feel good when no one talks to you. I shouldn't take it personally but when I am already feeling depressed and alone I can't help but feel a little unwanted.
I stayed up late last night because I thought there was no way I would be subbing today. I was wrong!!! I got called at 6:30, after I'd got about 4 hours of sleep, and had to be at school in 1 hour. As I'm not a morning person, I take awhile to get ready. I can't speed up easily. I'm thankful to have a sub job but I was so tired.
It is also Trafalgar Day, which is the anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar. As a Naval History nerd I love studying this event and celebrating it in conjunction with my half-birthday so I always make a good English supper and watch Horatio Hornblower and enjoy myself. I have been looking forward to this day for a bit. I'm basically 30 1/2 and I wanted to do something for myself, just a little thing. So, while the sub job threw off my plans a bit, I was still able to get my roast dinner in the oven.
Subbing was alright. I got there and found out I would be subbing a 6th period, which had previously been a time I would have a break. I had been planning to run home and have some coffee and relax a tiny bit. I know I haven't had many sub jobs at all, but with that small amount of sleep and a long day ahead, I needed it. Instead, I got to sub in a study hall. It wasn't bad but I'd rather have been at home. I did have a smaller break after that but I spent the time clock-watching. Returned for a class. Came home for a period I didn't have a class, which was next to lunch, so I had a bit longer than before. Got my roast in the oven & relaxed a bit before going back for the rest of the classes.
It was wonderful to see a lot of students, who I hadn't seen in quite awhile. Some of them were lovely. Three of the classes were advanced government and politics. I love politics so sometimes it is hard not to discuss with students. I don't believe a teacher should push her political opinions on students but, at the same time, should help students think about things in different ways by asking questions. This can be a good thing until students ask your opinion or start saying ridiculous things and you try to direct them back. Occasionally with upper class-men I will discuss things. That's what I did today. Some students are able to just listen & discuss & see things from other sides. Other students want to play "I know more & I'm right because I'm a Liberal" game. That never goes well. It doesn't matter if one brings up things that are generally known (because you didn't happen to print out your statistics for the day); they will basically call you racist or say you are being stereotypical and refuse to directly answer questions. And even if I can discuss such things and walk away without thinking badly of someone, I don't know if most teenagers can do that. It doesn't seem like it. I hate finishing a discussion, seeing the kid walk over to friends, and then they laugh. At me? At my opinions? Shouldn't bother me but when I'm down it does.
And then there are the immature students one has to remind to stay on task constantly. They like to band together and whisper and laugh and even if one knows they are immature, one can't help but feel a little anxious over the thought they are actually truly whispering rude things about you instead of just pretending to annoy you. Again, something that shouldn't bother me, as a mature adult, but something that does when I am melancholy.
So that all happened. And then my sister texted and said "I know you need some extra money so do you want to take my place selling tickets at the game tonight?" No. I hate that. I wanted to enjoy my meal and relax, especially after working 2 nights this week, getting hardly any sleep, feeling like crying all day, having to work tomorrow, and, oh yes, I don't want to do that. She basically guilted me into doing it.
Got home feeling upset & exhausted. Relaxed a bit. Thought my mum was going to help me finish dinner but she ended up not coming. The gravy was not thickening and since I am tired I got all messy all over the counter and stove top. Didn't get to make my Yorkshire Puddings or dessert. I was running out of time just to eat. Hurriedly had dinner with my father (he was selling tickets, too). Went to the game. It wasn't too bad but he was awfully chatty with the people going into the game and I just didn't want to hear chatter. I had it all day.
Got home to find someone parked in my spot. At least the dog was happy to see me.
There were a couple of bright spots today, which I really ought to put at the front of my mind rather than the bad things. It was lovely to see kids who were glad to see me and wanted to chat for a few minutes. Two girls wrote me a sweet poem and performed it for me. That was the best. I have it in my purse and must put it in my bedroom to warm my heart when I am down. I saw a couple of graduated students at the game and it was wonderful to say hi, especially when the girl said she loves the stuff on my Facebook and might creep a little. So sweet! I'm glad they are still dating because they are nice kids. I will focus on those things. And try not to let everything else get me down.
Be happy, Perdita.
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