No More Parties.

So, today I hosted a cooking party for my cousin's new wife, K., who is a consultant for a well-known bakeware/kitchen tools line. I'm not really big on having these parties because 1. I hate asking people to come spend money and 2. I don't have many friends who live around here, at all, so I have a hard time coming up with a suitable list and 3. people don't come even when they say they will.

At the same time, I love throwing parties. Of course, I don't mean raucous, immoral, debauched noisy parties but rather cozy, elegant parties where I make delicious foods and people enjoy themselves in a lovely, warm way. Perhaps you think that's the reason no one comes? Not at all.

A Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

I have been rather melancholy the last week. Yesterday none of my friends replied to me on Twitter and it just sort of broke me. I'm always quite encouraging, supportive, & present to people on Twitter---perhaps too much? I try not to over-reply to people's tweets but whenever anyone tweets me I always reply. Isn't that good manners? If someone said something to me vocally I wouldn't ignore that person; I'd reply. Not everyone sees every reply, I suppose, but it doesn't feel good when no one talks to you. I shouldn't take it personally but when I am already feeling depressed and alone I can't help but feel a little unwanted.

I stayed up late last night because I thought there was no way I would be subbing today. I was wrong!!! I got called at 6:30, after I'd got about 4 hours of sleep, and had to be at school in 1 hour. As I'm not a morning person, I take awhile to get ready. I can't speed up easily. I'm thankful to have a sub job but I was so tired.

It is also Trafalgar Day, which is the anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar. As a Naval History nerd I love studying this event and celebrating it in conjunction with my half-birthday so I always make a good English supper and watch Horatio Hornblower and enjoy myself. I have been looking forward to this day for a bit. I'm basically 30 1/2 and I wanted to do something for myself, just a little thing. So, while the sub job threw off my plans a bit, I was still able to get my roast dinner in the oven.

Subbing was alright. I got there and found out I would be subbing a 6th period, which had previously been a time I would have a break. I had been planning to run home and have some coffee and relax a tiny bit. I know I haven't had many sub jobs at all, but with that small amount of sleep and a long day ahead, I needed it. Instead, I got to sub in a study hall. It wasn't bad but I'd rather have been at home. I did have a smaller break after that but I spent the time clock-watching. Returned for a class. Came home for a period I didn't have a class, which was next to lunch, so I had a bit longer than before. Got my roast in the oven & relaxed a bit before going back for the rest of the classes.

It was wonderful to see a lot of students, who I hadn't seen in quite awhile. Some of them were lovely. Three of the classes were advanced government and politics. I love politics so sometimes it is hard not to discuss with students. I don't believe a teacher should push her political opinions on students but, at the same time, should help students think about things in different ways by asking questions. This can be a good thing until students ask your opinion or start saying ridiculous things and you try to direct them back. Occasionally with upper class-men I will discuss things. That's what I did today. Some students are able to just listen & discuss & see things from other sides. Other students want to play "I know more & I'm right because I'm a Liberal" game. That never goes well. It doesn't matter if one brings up things that are generally known (because you didn't happen to print out your statistics for the day); they will basically call you racist or say you are being stereotypical and refuse to directly answer questions. And even if I can discuss such things and walk away without thinking badly of someone, I don't know if most teenagers can do that. It doesn't seem like it. I hate finishing a discussion, seeing the kid walk over to friends, and then they laugh. At me? At my opinions? Shouldn't bother me but when I'm down it does.

And then there are the immature students one has to remind to stay on task constantly. They like to band together and whisper and laugh and even if one knows they are immature, one can't help but feel a little anxious over the thought they are actually truly whispering rude things about you instead of just pretending to annoy you. Again, something that shouldn't bother me, as a mature adult, but something that does when I am melancholy.

So that all happened. And then my sister texted and said "I know you need some extra money so do you want to take my place selling tickets at the game tonight?" No. I hate that. I wanted to enjoy my meal and relax, especially after working 2 nights this week, getting hardly any sleep, feeling like crying all day, having to work tomorrow, and, oh yes, I don't want to do that. She basically guilted me into doing it.

Got home feeling upset & exhausted. Relaxed a bit. Thought my mum was going to help me finish dinner but she ended up not coming. The gravy was not thickening and since I am tired I got all messy all over the counter and stove top. Didn't get to make my Yorkshire Puddings or dessert. I was running out of time just to eat. Hurriedly had dinner with my father (he was selling tickets, too). Went to the game. It wasn't too bad but he was awfully chatty with the people going into the game and I just didn't want to hear chatter. I had it all day.

Got home to find someone parked in my spot. At least the dog was happy to see me.

There were a couple of bright spots today, which I really ought to put at the front of my mind rather than the bad things. It was lovely to see kids who were glad to see me and wanted to chat for a few minutes. Two girls wrote me a sweet poem and performed it for me. That was the best. I have it in my purse and must put it in my bedroom to warm my heart when I am down. I saw a couple of graduated students at the game and it was wonderful to say hi, especially when the girl said she loves the stuff on my Facebook and might creep a little. So sweet! I'm glad they are still dating because they are nice kids. I will focus on those things. And try not to let everything else get me down.

Be happy, Perdita.

"What are you doing for your birthday?"

My 30th birthday is coming up quite soon and I have absolutely no plans. My family has something they want to do that night, which is special but entirely optional, and I don't think my best friend, who doesn't live here anyway, even remembers my birthday is this week.

At one point, at least a month ago, my mother said "What if we took you to dinner at *********** at 4:30 for your birthday?" That's so they can squeeze me in before going to their thing. Fabulous. I do like that restaurant. Delicious food. I didn't say yes or no but no one has asked since so I'm sure they assume that's the plan.

I have spent my whole life being fitted in when it is convenient for people---or not at all---not when when it is convenient for me or when it would make me feel special. I don't want to be shoved in only when it is convenient for someone on my own 30th birthday.

Is it too much to ask that I be treated as though I am special on ONE DAY in the WHOLE YEAR???? I'm never special, to anyone, and it would be so lovely to be wanted and treated specially? I don't want to celebrate another day (as was also suggested). Another day won't be my 30th birthday. I work on Saturday this week and next. Sunday is Easter. Should you like me to wait until May?

So, as of now, I have no plans for my birthday other than perhaps buying myself some takeaway dinner and watching Pride & Prejudice, Bones, and making myself some cupcakes?

Pathetic & loser-ish but what else is new?

Part of me does say "Why worry? Just enjoy whatever people do for you!" but then I remind myself that I'm being scheduled at someone's convenience. Way to make a girl feel wanted and loved on her birthday.

Disquieted

I have been feeling quite, quite mopey since last night & can't really decide what specifically happened last night to make me feel this way, other than a conversation with a friend. I suppose I'm a bit worried because of a tiny thing I don't agree with her on, which she says doesn't bother her, but she has been quiet since then.

I had a very difficult time falling asleep last night because I was disquieted. That's the perfect word. And I have been that way ever since. I laid in bed, my mind churning, churning, churning, over everything that is/could be bothering me: money, work, bills, friendships, loneliness, sadness over what once was, life in general, etc. And that carried over into today. I'm exhausted. I worked a full day & an extra period. Came home & made something time-consuming to prepare for dinner. Tomorrow I work in the day & the evening. Saturday I work quite early, a full day, but I can never manage to get to bed early enough to feel somewhat rested for that sort of thing. Sunday I work 4.5 hours.

I just want to be for a bit.

I was surrounded by noise all day & only wanted the solitude of music. I usually always listened to music in the car but the stereo face & ipod cord were stolen a couple of weeks ago. Heart break. No music in the car. I need my music in the car. It is what makes being anywhere with lots of people bearable. Now I do not have it. And I need it so very badly. There's not often opportunity at home to have music loudly playing (not too loudly, mind). I love my iPod but I like to have music out loud, as it is meant to be heard, and to sing along with it. Maybe someone else will fall in love with it when I'm playing with it. Now I have silence. I can live with silence. I love it. But I also need music to drown out the noise of life and ease me into silence.

Right now I'm melancholy. Alone. Disheartened by life. Irritated by people. Exhausted with no time to rest. So I'm going to go use up an iTunes gift card on Johnny Flynn, Laura Marling, & more.

Update: Of course, I go to redeem my gift card & I can't get the code on the back to work. At all. And when did songs change to $1.29? Bugger!

Rough Week

This week is the final week for the seniors at school & I'm feeling quite sad about that fact. I will miss them terribly. This, I know, is the basis for my feeling down, but that depressive feeling manifests over other things that are constants in my life.

I've just been feeling quite alone this week. I shall have to write a post about something that happened with a group of friends earlier this spring, but I don't want to yet. Suffice it to say that I have been feeling rather alone since then & every time I see them communicate with each other I feel a stab of loneliness & isolation. I do have other friends but it was with these friends that I have been building something since the end of December, a project that I seem to be unneeded for.

Perhaps it is wrong with such good, other friends, to still feel alone, but I do. Why is it that when you have friends who support & love you sometimes you still only feel sad over those who no longer do or don't make the effort? For example, when some very sweet friends send you lovely birthday presents unexpectedly, which make you very happy, but you still cry over those "friends" who hardly wished you a happy day?

But, anyway, this week I've felt quite lonely, isolated, and unwanted. I don't want to feel this way. I don't try to feel this way.

Last night I was watching an episode of The Mentalist, which is a show I like, and my eye was caught by Patrick Jane's wedding ring. He's widowed on the show but keeps it on. I love that the character still wears it. But, the sight of it made me very sad  . . . because I'm not married. I never have been. I probably, most likely, never will be. I didn't mean to think that way. It just happened.

So I went to bed early-ish & read a romance novel, one of my favorites, Romancing Mr. Bridgerton, and I identify very closely with the heroine, Penelope, only I don't know any Colin Bridgertons. And that sort of thing won't ever happen to me. I hardly know any men & none who live here or are my friends. And I don't know how to go about making friends with any, let alone dating any. And I won't go to bars.

Last weekend someone was filling in at work & by the end of the day she was telling me she ought to fix me up on a date with her son. She said he had gone on a date with one of her friend's daughters but he hadn't enjoyed it because the girl wasn't interested in intellectual things. I suppose I should take it as a compliment that after knowing me for 7.5 hours she considered me smart, etc., but I don't want that sort of thing happening. If I'm ever to go on a date, I want it to be because a gentleman is interested enough in me to ask. Not because his mother thought I wasn't stupid & wants him to date. I would rather be alone than have people fix me up. Yes, I will consent to be proud in this manner. It is all I have.

One Moment

I intended to write more, on the occasion of my birthday, but I obviously did not.

I was just lying on the couch, reading a frivolous, silly romance novel, and was actually brought to tears. Pathetic though it is, it made me sad to read about the heroine being so close, physically, to the hero, to have him hold her hand or kiss her or just to be standing close. I don't know what any of that feels like. And I don't think I ever will.

Sometimes I am filled with such an intense longing to simply be held, even for a moment, by a guy who even just likes me. Just to feel safe and secure for a moment, like nothing can hurt me.

It hits me on occasion, when I see a couple together, just being, or I'm watching a show or movie, or I'm reading a novel, or listening to a sweet song. It isn't even a romantic feeling, but rather a sense of belonging, belonging with another person. I've never experienced that.

Despite the purpose of this blog, which is just to share my deepest feelings, I'm quite a strong person, very independent and self-sufficient. I don't rely on other people. I don't share my feelings or seek comfort, assurance, or strength. At least not often or in significant ways. I do sometimes say I'm feeling sad or a bit melancholy, but I don't reveal the depth. Instead, I strengthen others, provide comfort, assurance, love, support. I don't like to be weak and ask for it. I don't even know who I would ask. And when I feel I have been particularly verbal in my weakness I feel bad, as though I am asking much too much. So I retreat inside, where I am strongest and weakest, and I am very quiet. And people don't usually bother to seek me out.

And that leads me back to just wanting to be held & belong. JUST FOR A MOMENT. I feel like if I had that one moment I could just be strong again on my own. Because I know my life is meant to be one of solitude, alone-ness, loneliness, etc., and I know I won't have anyone to rely on for the years, but I feel it is unfair (though I know God is always with me & wants only the best for me) that I am not allowed to have even the one moment of knowing I belong with someone . . . I'm willing to have that life of solitude without (much) complaining if only I can have a moment.

But, to judge by the past, which is, in truth, my life's occupation, the past, the future does not have any such moment in it. And so I continue on in not very Splendid Isolation.

I could just use a hug. Or a press one a hand in my own, however fleetingly . . .