And a Half.

Such neglect.

I find myself fast approaching my half birthday. Can it possibly be half a year since I turned 30?

And what have I got to show for myself? Anything better than a year ago?

Sadly, the answer is no. In fact, in some ways I am worse off than I was even half-a-year ago. The school I sub at has changed schedules and no longer uses subs much at all. I have only been there twice. So now that job is basically non-existent and I must find other schools or a completely different job. What a depressing situation.

I did not get as much back on my tax return as I expected, based on the last couple of years. Yet, I have hardly made more than I did. It is horrid that I am not even making enough to live on but still don't get it all back.

I have been feeling rather melancholy lately. For none and sundry reasons, nothing I can really pinpoint, except my general lack of earthly success. I have realized that I am not an ambitious person. I don't desire to be high up in the world or to invent the next thing, set trends, or be well known. I happen to think not being ambitious is a good thing. Yet, I need to find it within me to be somewhat ambitious and make something of myself.

If I were to allow myself any ambitions they would simply be to have a solid job, where I made enough money to live & save for my little trips & the future, a good car, a home of my own, a dog, and a husband who loves me despite my very obvious flaws.

And there they are . . . the things I must achieve (job, car, home), the things I will probably have (the dog & money to live), & the thing I will never, ever have and never ever say aloud (a husband who loves me).

Lately I have been thinking about the fact that I am 30 and, even if I met a man in the next year or so, I'll be 31 in 6 months. So, if we met in the next 6 months, dated for a year, got engaged, & had an engagement of a year, I'd be 32 at engagement & somewhere around 33 at my wedding (those are 2 words I don't put together: "my" & "wedding"). I am not one of those people who understands deciding to have children directly after a marriage. It seems logical to me to take a year or two to be a married couple at the least, with just the two of you. You have to grow together and learn how to be together and balance being 1 couple with being 2 individuals. If you add a child in immediately, it seems, to me, that you are skipping over very important things.

So, if I got married at 33 and wanted 2 years just with my husband, I'd be 35-ish before I even wanted a child and either 35 or 36 by the time I had a child. That sounds exhausting. I'm exhausted thinking about babysitting a child for an hour at 30 1/2.

The truth is I'm not very fond of children in general. I like well-behaved children who I know but I don't really have a desire to be a parent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, until a child is grown. On very rare occasions, perhaps when my stone walls are down a little, I briefly wonder about how I would love & instruct my own child. Probably most often when I see parents who don't seem to understand how to raise well-mannered, thoughtful, Faithful children & know I would never do things that way. On other occasions I think about the sort of books, music, food, way of living I would introduce to my child. Yet, I don't really want to go through the actual physical labor of having a child. Perhaps someday I'll be a foster parent to a teenager in need (though I firmly believe every child needs a married mother & father, so that's probably unlikely.).

So, if I managed to meet a husband between now and then, I find it unlikely I would want to have a child. I would be exhausted, which makes me feel quite selfish, but since it is MOST HIGHLY UNLIKELY I will ever meet a husband I suppose this is all pointless.

In some ways, I am glad to know that I have thought this through. I don't know if I would want to be a parent either way so knowing I shall be quite old (or that I'm already old) makes me feel a little better. Odd, isn't it?

But, it does hurt my heart to think about how I will never have a husband. I am pretty sure about this. I will confess,  however, that I have thought several times about how perhaps God has not sent me a husband because I am not at a good place in my life, financially, mentally, logistically. I know God can do anything & He has a plan for me, but for all my faith in other areas, I cannot believe I shall get a husband. Who would love me? (The answer all my life seems to be a largely resounding NO ONE.)

Still, I do believe there is something to the argument that if one is a believer in God, then God will send that person when one is most ready. If we seek God, we will eventually find the person God has for us. But isn't it true that some of us are not meant to be with someone? That some of us are meant to be alone? I feel sure that is me. My life bears that out. Yet is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Have I put myself in this position? Possibly but I don't know. Wouldn't I have had some inkling or at least one date?

As always, I do not believe I shall meet anyone. I would feel foolish going on my first date EVER (yes, I am that pathetic, dear reader) when I am older than 30. My students have more dating experience than I do.

I really must strive to be at peace with my solitary existence. If I am right, I shall be in this state all the days of my life and I would rather not spend them in deep melancholy (however romantic that might be). I have honestly been feeling more peaceful, faithful, and even somewhat happy lately. Not happy forever but more positive than depressed. This latest melancholy is about a week and a half old  and I am trying to fight it. A friend deleted me from her life---her problems, not mine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And I feel neglected by friends (or perhaps "friends"). When I am down any non-response to a tweet or anything feels like a dagger to the chest.

I pray God things begin to look up. I must figure out a way to make money. God bless us all.