Alas, I have not continued . . . Part 1.

I fully intended to use this blog as a means of venting and expressing things that no one around me cares to listen to or support me in. But, as is often the case in life, I have been dealing with computer issues and the regular experiences everyone has.

Lately, I have been feeling quite alone and depressed, mostly late at night, when one would most expect to feel that way. I had been looking forward to a trip at the end of January/beginning of February to see one of my favorite musicians and some friends.

Unfortunately, I spent the better part of the week before I left, and all of the night before, fighting with my family and feeling completely alone. I almost canceled my trip. I felt entirely alone in the world, cut off from everyone, without anyone to turn to or anyone to even just touch my hand.

I ended up going on that trip. I hardly got any sleep the night before because I was arranging things, packing, and upset. I woke up with something of a headache, which happens when I'm emotionally stressed, and scrambled to finish packing while crying off and on. The hard thing is to stop crying when you know it will only make you feel worse but knowing you can't.

Got to my destination. Ate a little lunch. Picked up my car. Found a store to get some food. Went to the in-store performance where I ran into my friends. The two I was closest to, D & P, were together, having been to see the musician's concert in another city the night before. I was glad to see them because I needed just someone to be around. Maybe it was just me but I felt a bit awkward with them. The in-store didn't last long and they didn't talk to me much.

D was staying at P's house but because P had a ton of stuff going on Sunday she had told me it would be difficult if I stayed there. I can't say it didn't hurt. She said if I wanted to I'd have to be out by 9am. I do completely understand her side and having stuff to get done. Only, in the past she has repeatedly told me I was welcome any time. This time she said it was difficult with out of town people and people in town and all. The thing is that D was already staying so how much harder was that? What she wrote shouldn't have hurt me because I told her to be honest but if I'm being honest, too, it really did. If a friend of mine were coming over here alone and needed a place to stay for the night I would not treat her request with such brusque words and I would tell her of course. D told me I should just stay and get up. My problem, though, was that I was going to be riding down to another city with another friend and that wasn't going to be until late afternoon. I didn't know where to go for 6-7 hours, all alone, and I knew I was going to have a headache from my stress, emotions, and traveling (I never drink enough water when I don't have a "base" I can be at).

So, I got a very cheap hotel room with help from my mother. I was trying to do this trip as cheaply as possible because I don't have a lot of money to spend on such things and just sleeping on the floor at someone's house would have been so helpful and a blessing. Thanks to my mother! After the in-store I made my way to my hotel and checked in. The doors opened to the parking lot, not to hallways, which I had been expecting, and I felt a little nervous at the fact I was staying by myself with just a thing door between me and anyone outside, but determined to feel fine. It wasn't anything special but it would do. I should have relaxed or taken a nap but I had to be ready in 2 hours to meet a group of people for dinner. I always like to unpack and put my things about me when I'm staying in a room or hotel, so I fluttered around, putting my toiletries away, putting the snacks I'd bought on the table, and watching random things on the tv (after I fixed the cable attachment so it wasn't fuzzy).

I am afraid time got away from me. It was the first time in a few days I felt a little relaxed and I did not want to get ready or go out. The show wasn't until 9pm so I wished dinner, at a restaurant quite close to the venue, were set for 7pm rather than 6:15pm. That 45 minutes would have made a huge difference to me. But, anyway, I left at 6pm, underestimated the time it would take me to get there and find parking, and, of course, had trouble with the GPS. Got to dinner. Felt like I had no one to talk to, though I sat quite close to D & P, and completely out of the loop. I went up to the bathroom with D, who started telling me that another of the group, who is very manipulative and acts like she's best friends forever with this musician, had told her bad things about him and she'd tell me later. Thanks for bringing me down & making me feel anxious about him and the show. Another friend who I don't really enjoy spending a lot of time with, A, hadn't been able to make dinner but was coming for the show asked if we could wait to walk over to the venue so she didn't have to walk alone. I felt a bit annoyed because people always ask things like this of me but never reciprocate. Besides, it was a very happening area and there were plenty of people around. She was driving around looking for parking. I have no sense of direction or the area, which I had never been to before, so I said I needed to stay with the group. I felt guilty but I didn't want to end up separated and lost.

I walked to the venue with the group and went in. A called & asked if I would go with her while she parked and then walk back. I gave in and went out. It took forever but we parked over by where I had parked and made our way back. I sort of just stayed around the people I was with, waiting for the show. Some of the things D had said made me not want to be by the stage so I hung back while A went closer. I felt cut off and alone because P & D were just talking with the manipulative one and another girl.

It was a great turnout at the show and I felt so proud. I have put a lot of work into L's career and I was proud that things were happening for him. This would be the first time I would see him play with a band so I was anxious about how that would be. And I was still feeling out of place and alone. It was such a blessing that 2 of my "cousins" came! I was so very glad to see them I could have cried. For the first time in awhile I didn't feel alone. It was wonderful. They really loved L and the show was great!!

Afterward, we waited awhile & then most of us walked to our cars. I went with A and we separated after we got to our cars. I went back to my hotel and was so glad to be in my room, all alone. Isn't it weird how one can feel alone and then be with people and then be glad to be alone? I just wanted away from the awkwardness and to relax. I ended up staying up much too late, eating a little snack and watching Justified while trying to drink as much water as possible, though I knew I would probably not defeat the Headache.

Continued next . . .