I feel like I'm so close to breaking

but nothing about that matters to anyone. No one even notices. And I can't let anyone notice. Or I try to and they don't care. All I want is some peace & quiet & something to move my life forward. I'm just stuck. STUCK. And everything just repeats repeats repeats. From all my life. Always. And I'm not good enough for them. It doesn't matter what I do. I can't be what they enjoy because I am who I am and I love that I am. But then I'm alone and alone and alone. Just when I start to feel like part of something I'm not good enough anymore and then I'm forgotten. Except when they randomly remember I exist. Oh, hey, you. blah blah. No bye. No reply. Just gone. But there for everyone else. Just not me. And I don't usually write like this. usually i'm all about the formalities and the punctuation and the truth and what's right and proper and that's never good enough for anyone, even when that's how it is supposed to be. I'm the wrong one. I'm the one who should be quiet, not the people who are noisy who I know should be quiet, who the law says should be quiet. I'm the problem. How does that make any sense? How am I the wrong one? My brain cannot compute that. I know the truth. The truth doesn't matter, except when they want it to. Then it does. But not when the laws and morals and rules are sitting right there, quietly whispering that things must be this way. And we've put up with so much and now they say this isn't anything so why make a bother? But I think the little things add up to big things which can't be tamed if you didn't ask the little things to stop. Start with the little things & you won't get to the big ones. But that doesn't matter. Why not let the little spark build to a fire & then we'll throw a tea cup-ful of water on it & that will put it out. Right. Since that's always worked before. And you never notice that I've been right and right and right and right and right. That you were wrong about them because you are naive and think they will be men of their word and have honor and be moral. And every time you are wrong. I have yet to see you right and me wrong but you always say I'm wrong and that they will prove you right. Pay attention. Why can't you pay attention? It is very simple and logical and easy. Squash the little things and there won't be big things. Yet I can't utter a word because you've forbidden me to while they shout and scream and produce a cacophony of NOISE. But my little rational whisper is NOT ALLOWED.

And I'm going to break apart. Or maybe I finally see a reason why people lose themselves in alcohol and drugs and nothing. Maybe that is easier than trying to follow what is right and true and lawful and moral because no one cares anymore except me and you don't care that I care.

And you fail to notice how quiet I've been after nearly breaking apart several times. I've been stretched to the point several times but you always tell me to change how I deal with things, essentially change who I am, like I'm not good enough. You can't expect me to believe in what is Right over here but let this slide over there. I'm not that person. I can't do that. I can't do it in only one part of my life and not the other. I am who I am. I think being lawful, proper, good, moral, truthful, RIGHTEOUS, is the way to be. But over here you say I should slide & not let it bother me that they aren't doing that? I can't do that. How can I do that? How can I allow that on my conscience when it is such a bother that they are making noise.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the only thing I have left to hold on to in a life that never works out, where nothing has ever worked out. Not love or a job or being on my own or friends or plans, or excitement or that thing that was such a joy in my life, which is working out for everyone else but once again I'm not what they want so they forget I exist until they remember for a tiny moment and then forget when I reply. But none of that matters to anyone but me. And I don't think it ever will but I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of this feather bed which is like a hitting slump in baseball, easy to get into and hard to get out of. But finding a bobby pin on the floor won't do the trick for me. That's just a funny little thing I do which doesn't mean anything except in my head.

So I'm left with a little dish of bobby pins which I've collected but collections mean nothing when no one will listen.

What to be or not to be?

Today, after a family dinner, my grandfather called me over to sit by him. I knew he would talk to me about my career & future, which I have been considering and feeling anxious about for a long time. He told me I should be a librarian. Books are my thing; I have considered being a librarian and have been told by many people I should be one. We talked about it for awhile and he told me I should look into it, that he and my grandmother would help me out. Very generous.

I came home this evening and was just doing some research on library science. So far I can't quite find a program in this are and the closest one is quite expensive. I'm sure I could get some financial aid but it is still a lot. So much more than I make in a couple of years. :(

Not only that, but the application process itself scares me. The dealine for the next entrance is coming up mid-January. There's no way I can wrap my head around that or get everything ready by then. I mean, I probably could but I feel discouraged and as though it wouldn't matter---I wouldn't make it in.

The thing is BOOKS ARE MY THING. I love them. I LOVE them. I LOVE THEM. I would be an excellent librarian. I've simply reached the point where I believe I won't ever find a job or career which will work for me. I'm scared to take the chance.

What to do?

No More Parties.

So, today I hosted a cooking party for my cousin's new wife, K., who is a consultant for a well-known bakeware/kitchen tools line. I'm not really big on having these parties because 1. I hate asking people to come spend money and 2. I don't have many friends who live around here, at all, so I have a hard time coming up with a suitable list and 3. people don't come even when they say they will.

At the same time, I love throwing parties. Of course, I don't mean raucous, immoral, debauched noisy parties but rather cozy, elegant parties where I make delicious foods and people enjoy themselves in a lovely, warm way. Perhaps you think that's the reason no one comes? Not at all.

A Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

I have been rather melancholy the last week. Yesterday none of my friends replied to me on Twitter and it just sort of broke me. I'm always quite encouraging, supportive, & present to people on Twitter---perhaps too much? I try not to over-reply to people's tweets but whenever anyone tweets me I always reply. Isn't that good manners? If someone said something to me vocally I wouldn't ignore that person; I'd reply. Not everyone sees every reply, I suppose, but it doesn't feel good when no one talks to you. I shouldn't take it personally but when I am already feeling depressed and alone I can't help but feel a little unwanted.

I stayed up late last night because I thought there was no way I would be subbing today. I was wrong!!! I got called at 6:30, after I'd got about 4 hours of sleep, and had to be at school in 1 hour. As I'm not a morning person, I take awhile to get ready. I can't speed up easily. I'm thankful to have a sub job but I was so tired.

It is also Trafalgar Day, which is the anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar. As a Naval History nerd I love studying this event and celebrating it in conjunction with my half-birthday so I always make a good English supper and watch Horatio Hornblower and enjoy myself. I have been looking forward to this day for a bit. I'm basically 30 1/2 and I wanted to do something for myself, just a little thing. So, while the sub job threw off my plans a bit, I was still able to get my roast dinner in the oven.

Subbing was alright. I got there and found out I would be subbing a 6th period, which had previously been a time I would have a break. I had been planning to run home and have some coffee and relax a tiny bit. I know I haven't had many sub jobs at all, but with that small amount of sleep and a long day ahead, I needed it. Instead, I got to sub in a study hall. It wasn't bad but I'd rather have been at home. I did have a smaller break after that but I spent the time clock-watching. Returned for a class. Came home for a period I didn't have a class, which was next to lunch, so I had a bit longer than before. Got my roast in the oven & relaxed a bit before going back for the rest of the classes.

It was wonderful to see a lot of students, who I hadn't seen in quite awhile. Some of them were lovely. Three of the classes were advanced government and politics. I love politics so sometimes it is hard not to discuss with students. I don't believe a teacher should push her political opinions on students but, at the same time, should help students think about things in different ways by asking questions. This can be a good thing until students ask your opinion or start saying ridiculous things and you try to direct them back. Occasionally with upper class-men I will discuss things. That's what I did today. Some students are able to just listen & discuss & see things from other sides. Other students want to play "I know more & I'm right because I'm a Liberal" game. That never goes well. It doesn't matter if one brings up things that are generally known (because you didn't happen to print out your statistics for the day); they will basically call you racist or say you are being stereotypical and refuse to directly answer questions. And even if I can discuss such things and walk away without thinking badly of someone, I don't know if most teenagers can do that. It doesn't seem like it. I hate finishing a discussion, seeing the kid walk over to friends, and then they laugh. At me? At my opinions? Shouldn't bother me but when I'm down it does.

And then there are the immature students one has to remind to stay on task constantly. They like to band together and whisper and laugh and even if one knows they are immature, one can't help but feel a little anxious over the thought they are actually truly whispering rude things about you instead of just pretending to annoy you. Again, something that shouldn't bother me, as a mature adult, but something that does when I am melancholy.

So that all happened. And then my sister texted and said "I know you need some extra money so do you want to take my place selling tickets at the game tonight?" No. I hate that. I wanted to enjoy my meal and relax, especially after working 2 nights this week, getting hardly any sleep, feeling like crying all day, having to work tomorrow, and, oh yes, I don't want to do that. She basically guilted me into doing it.

Got home feeling upset & exhausted. Relaxed a bit. Thought my mum was going to help me finish dinner but she ended up not coming. The gravy was not thickening and since I am tired I got all messy all over the counter and stove top. Didn't get to make my Yorkshire Puddings or dessert. I was running out of time just to eat. Hurriedly had dinner with my father (he was selling tickets, too). Went to the game. It wasn't too bad but he was awfully chatty with the people going into the game and I just didn't want to hear chatter. I had it all day.

Got home to find someone parked in my spot. At least the dog was happy to see me.

There were a couple of bright spots today, which I really ought to put at the front of my mind rather than the bad things. It was lovely to see kids who were glad to see me and wanted to chat for a few minutes. Two girls wrote me a sweet poem and performed it for me. That was the best. I have it in my purse and must put it in my bedroom to warm my heart when I am down. I saw a couple of graduated students at the game and it was wonderful to say hi, especially when the girl said she loves the stuff on my Facebook and might creep a little. So sweet! I'm glad they are still dating because they are nice kids. I will focus on those things. And try not to let everything else get me down.

Be happy, Perdita.

And a Half.

Such neglect.

I find myself fast approaching my half birthday. Can it possibly be half a year since I turned 30?

And what have I got to show for myself? Anything better than a year ago?

Sadly, the answer is no. In fact, in some ways I am worse off than I was even half-a-year ago. The school I sub at has changed schedules and no longer uses subs much at all. I have only been there twice. So now that job is basically non-existent and I must find other schools or a completely different job. What a depressing situation.

I did not get as much back on my tax return as I expected, based on the last couple of years. Yet, I have hardly made more than I did. It is horrid that I am not even making enough to live on but still don't get it all back.

I have been feeling rather melancholy lately. For none and sundry reasons, nothing I can really pinpoint, except my general lack of earthly success. I have realized that I am not an ambitious person. I don't desire to be high up in the world or to invent the next thing, set trends, or be well known. I happen to think not being ambitious is a good thing. Yet, I need to find it within me to be somewhat ambitious and make something of myself.

If I were to allow myself any ambitions they would simply be to have a solid job, where I made enough money to live & save for my little trips & the future, a good car, a home of my own, a dog, and a husband who loves me despite my very obvious flaws.

And there they are . . . the things I must achieve (job, car, home), the things I will probably have (the dog & money to live), & the thing I will never, ever have and never ever say aloud (a husband who loves me).

Lately I have been thinking about the fact that I am 30 and, even if I met a man in the next year or so, I'll be 31 in 6 months. So, if we met in the next 6 months, dated for a year, got engaged, & had an engagement of a year, I'd be 32 at engagement & somewhere around 33 at my wedding (those are 2 words I don't put together: "my" & "wedding"). I am not one of those people who understands deciding to have children directly after a marriage. It seems logical to me to take a year or two to be a married couple at the least, with just the two of you. You have to grow together and learn how to be together and balance being 1 couple with being 2 individuals. If you add a child in immediately, it seems, to me, that you are skipping over very important things.

So, if I got married at 33 and wanted 2 years just with my husband, I'd be 35-ish before I even wanted a child and either 35 or 36 by the time I had a child. That sounds exhausting. I'm exhausted thinking about babysitting a child for an hour at 30 1/2.

The truth is I'm not very fond of children in general. I like well-behaved children who I know but I don't really have a desire to be a parent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, until a child is grown. On very rare occasions, perhaps when my stone walls are down a little, I briefly wonder about how I would love & instruct my own child. Probably most often when I see parents who don't seem to understand how to raise well-mannered, thoughtful, Faithful children & know I would never do things that way. On other occasions I think about the sort of books, music, food, way of living I would introduce to my child. Yet, I don't really want to go through the actual physical labor of having a child. Perhaps someday I'll be a foster parent to a teenager in need (though I firmly believe every child needs a married mother & father, so that's probably unlikely.).

So, if I managed to meet a husband between now and then, I find it unlikely I would want to have a child. I would be exhausted, which makes me feel quite selfish, but since it is MOST HIGHLY UNLIKELY I will ever meet a husband I suppose this is all pointless.

In some ways, I am glad to know that I have thought this through. I don't know if I would want to be a parent either way so knowing I shall be quite old (or that I'm already old) makes me feel a little better. Odd, isn't it?

But, it does hurt my heart to think about how I will never have a husband. I am pretty sure about this. I will confess,  however, that I have thought several times about how perhaps God has not sent me a husband because I am not at a good place in my life, financially, mentally, logistically. I know God can do anything & He has a plan for me, but for all my faith in other areas, I cannot believe I shall get a husband. Who would love me? (The answer all my life seems to be a largely resounding NO ONE.)

Still, I do believe there is something to the argument that if one is a believer in God, then God will send that person when one is most ready. If we seek God, we will eventually find the person God has for us. But isn't it true that some of us are not meant to be with someone? That some of us are meant to be alone? I feel sure that is me. My life bears that out. Yet is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Have I put myself in this position? Possibly but I don't know. Wouldn't I have had some inkling or at least one date?

As always, I do not believe I shall meet anyone. I would feel foolish going on my first date EVER (yes, I am that pathetic, dear reader) when I am older than 30. My students have more dating experience than I do.

I really must strive to be at peace with my solitary existence. If I am right, I shall be in this state all the days of my life and I would rather not spend them in deep melancholy (however romantic that might be). I have honestly been feeling more peaceful, faithful, and even somewhat happy lately. Not happy forever but more positive than depressed. This latest melancholy is about a week and a half old  and I am trying to fight it. A friend deleted me from her life---her problems, not mine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And I feel neglected by friends (or perhaps "friends"). When I am down any non-response to a tweet or anything feels like a dagger to the chest.

I pray God things begin to look up. I must figure out a way to make money. God bless us all.

"What are you doing for your birthday?"

My 30th birthday is coming up quite soon and I have absolutely no plans. My family has something they want to do that night, which is special but entirely optional, and I don't think my best friend, who doesn't live here anyway, even remembers my birthday is this week.

At one point, at least a month ago, my mother said "What if we took you to dinner at *********** at 4:30 for your birthday?" That's so they can squeeze me in before going to their thing. Fabulous. I do like that restaurant. Delicious food. I didn't say yes or no but no one has asked since so I'm sure they assume that's the plan.

I have spent my whole life being fitted in when it is convenient for people---or not at all---not when when it is convenient for me or when it would make me feel special. I don't want to be shoved in only when it is convenient for someone on my own 30th birthday.

Is it too much to ask that I be treated as though I am special on ONE DAY in the WHOLE YEAR???? I'm never special, to anyone, and it would be so lovely to be wanted and treated specially? I don't want to celebrate another day (as was also suggested). Another day won't be my 30th birthday. I work on Saturday this week and next. Sunday is Easter. Should you like me to wait until May?

So, as of now, I have no plans for my birthday other than perhaps buying myself some takeaway dinner and watching Pride & Prejudice, Bones, and making myself some cupcakes?

Pathetic & loser-ish but what else is new?

Part of me does say "Why worry? Just enjoy whatever people do for you!" but then I remind myself that I'm being scheduled at someone's convenience. Way to make a girl feel wanted and loved on her birthday.

No Where

My 30th birthday is coming up so very soon and I haven't even been good at blogging. I feel like I'm a complete failure in absolutely everything in life. I am good at lots of things but apparently not excellent at anything. At least, that's how people make me feel. I have nothing and I am nothing. I just want to belong somewhere.