Review

This evening I got my review at my 2nd job. It went pretty well except that apparently my "coworkers say she is a complainer."

Great. Not just that I "complain" but that I AM "a complainer."

I'm upset about this. I know I complain. I haven't been happy the last year or so, other than some brilliant flashes of light. And I'm never happy to be at that job. The manager does not treat me fairly and other people complain frequently, too. When I complain I do it along with the person I am working with, so is everyone being labeled "a complainer"?

I have basically had to work every day around every holiday and every holiday since I began working there. If I don't manage to ask for one of those days off, then I'll have to work it. This happens to no one else. I could write a list here but I need to get some sleep. Seriously, it never fails. And the manager made a rule that no more than 3 people could ask for a specific day off. I'm not there as often so usually when I get the chance people (who have already had all the holidays/days off) have already put their names down. So, being a rule follower, I don't write my name down, too. And then I am punished for that by having to work it.

The new girl, who started before the holidays AS HOLIDAY HELP, wrote her name down for a specific day which already had 3 names on it. I would have enjoyed that day off but since there were already 3 requests I didn't do it. But she did and she got it off and I had to work. She also didn't have to work Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas. I worked both. She was hired to work as holiday help. So she should have worked the holidays. And she often gets more hours than I do or better shifts. And no, it isn't because I complain. The manager is the only one who makes the schedules and I never complain to her because it wouldn't do any good. (And before you ask, I'm sure she would have mentioned this during my review if she did this because she knew I get upset. She schedules herself first and she doesn't care.)

One is likely to struggle through unfair treatment if there comes a day when she is no longer the new person and is no longer treated like the new person, given the worst shifts, all the holidays, etc., etc. But when she is no longer the new associate and is still treated the same way it doesn't lead to happiness. Instead, it leads to a demoralized, depressed attitude. What is the point of working extra hours when we suddenly have some that need filled or going in when a co-worker calls in sick, even though it was the only day off? Yes, I could use the money but is it unimportant that I am willing to do what is needed for the store? That I give of myself? Why do I bother?

I complain at work about work. Isn't that how life goes? I complain because I hope someone will say "Yes, you have been treated badly. I'll see if I can mention it discreetly." I would do that for someone. The manager told me that I need to leave my complaining at the door and to know "everyone here cares about you." YEAH RIGHT. That's why I work all the holidays/days around holidays/worst shifts . . . because everyone cares.

So now I'm afraid to say anything at all because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. So what do I do when co-workers start complaining? Remain silent? I feel like never talking again.

I can't win for losing in this life. Someday I hope to find a job where I am treated with respect and fairness and I'm so happy that I have nothing to complain about. So far it doesn't seem likely.

I hate this. I wish I could just get over this. I wish I were a more optimistic person but I'm just not. I haven't been happy for a long time and I don't know how to just make myself be that way. It honestly isn't in my nature. The thing is, I like who I am and I don't feel the need to change for anybody. That's not to say I don't complain too much; I probably do. But I'm not going to suddenly be a more cheerful person just because someone else wants me to be. I don't want to be that way, all fake-y and plastic. I'M NOT GOING TO BE FAKE. I am who I am and I love who I am. There are things I want to improve about myself, but I know that I am a good and supportive person, that I try to make the people around me feel loved or at least better (I do try, even though I'm not as good about it with family).

I also work during the day, often, and then go to my second job in the evenings, which means I'm already exhausted from working with teenagers all day. I'm very, very much an introvert and being around people exhausts me. I rarely feel well rested so it is hard to be at a 2nd job while I should be having dinner and relaxing like most people. I'M TIRED. When I'm tired I get irritable and I complain. Don't like it? Don't listen.

I suppose I shall just have to use this blog to share my frustrations since I can't do it at work and I have no one who cares to listen. Perhaps it will be cathartic?

Alas, I have not continued . . . Part 2.

I had to be out of my hotel room by 11am on Sunday or I would be charged for another night. The difficult was my friend couldn't pick me up until after 3pm. I woke up with a terrible headache, which means I also felt sick. I have been able to feel better sometimes by eating something and drinking caffeine, so I ate some mini-powdered donuts and drinking a Diet Pepsi while staying in bed and watching something. It didn't work. I ended up throwing up in the shower. Not fun. I rushed to get ready and pack at the same time and made it out by 11am. I needed batteries so I managed to find a store and wandered around. I texted a former student to see if she wanted to meet for tea but she'd been in Urgent Care for illness.

It was around noon so I decided to find a place to eat and waste some time. There is so much to do in that city but I didn't want to go anywhere full of people and where parking would be a stress. I ended up seeing a pub with a lovely name so I decided to drive up there and have a look, possibly eat. I stopped on the way up to get out and walk along some water. It was gorgeous. Found the pub. Parked nearby. Walked around a gazebo and down by a dock. Took some pictures and sat looking at the water for a few minutes. Walked up to the pub but didn't feel like eating pub food. What I really wanted was specific pizza. So I went back to the car, put the pizza chain into the GPS, and finally found one. It was perfect timing. I went in. Ordered. Wrote in my little journal (I started writing in one again for this trip). Ate my food & drank my soda. Perfect. The waitress was lovely and made sure I got my food before the hordes of people who came in just after did, since I was alone. I gave her a nice tip.

I had to return my car to the airport and then wait there for my friend to pick me up, since she & her husband had to drive past in order to go to the other city (which is where they are from). I planned to sit at Starbucks and read, write, drink coffee until they were ready. It ended up being a little later than I expected but still perfect timing.

I don't know this friend particularly well and had never met her husband but they were such a blessing to me. They saved me from having to spend a ton of money to return my car in a different city than the one I got it in. The trip down went quite well and rather quickly. Her husband dozed in the backseat while she and I got on superbly (no surprise). We dropped him off at their house and then went to dinner at a really amazingly cool place before she dropped me off at the airport to pick up my new car.

I got my car and managed to get to my aunt's across the river, despite the once-again-malfunctioning GPS. It was such a relief to be there. All I wanted to do was go to bed but ended up staying up to watch a film with her. Sleep was a blessing.

I slept in a bit the next morning and got up to find my aunt had left me a note with some tea and breakfast-y things prettily arrange on the table. She had a meeting but wanted to take me to lunch later. I got ready and when she got back we went to a fabulous French bistro/bakery. It was delicious and lovely. Then she drove me over to the venue so I could see where it was and scope out the parking. And then, she took me to the best bookstore in the world. I love it there. We browsed for about an hour and I got some books, though not the one I wanted. We recrossed the river back to her house. She gave me a little driving tour of a local fort area before we got home, which was really cool. I'd love to go back someday.

I'm going to write the next part in another post . . .

Alas, I have not continued . . . Part 1.

I fully intended to use this blog as a means of venting and expressing things that no one around me cares to listen to or support me in. But, as is often the case in life, I have been dealing with computer issues and the regular experiences everyone has.

Lately, I have been feeling quite alone and depressed, mostly late at night, when one would most expect to feel that way. I had been looking forward to a trip at the end of January/beginning of February to see one of my favorite musicians and some friends.

Unfortunately, I spent the better part of the week before I left, and all of the night before, fighting with my family and feeling completely alone. I almost canceled my trip. I felt entirely alone in the world, cut off from everyone, without anyone to turn to or anyone to even just touch my hand.

I ended up going on that trip. I hardly got any sleep the night before because I was arranging things, packing, and upset. I woke up with something of a headache, which happens when I'm emotionally stressed, and scrambled to finish packing while crying off and on. The hard thing is to stop crying when you know it will only make you feel worse but knowing you can't.

Got to my destination. Ate a little lunch. Picked up my car. Found a store to get some food. Went to the in-store performance where I ran into my friends. The two I was closest to, D & P, were together, having been to see the musician's concert in another city the night before. I was glad to see them because I needed just someone to be around. Maybe it was just me but I felt a bit awkward with them. The in-store didn't last long and they didn't talk to me much.

D was staying at P's house but because P had a ton of stuff going on Sunday she had told me it would be difficult if I stayed there. I can't say it didn't hurt. She said if I wanted to I'd have to be out by 9am. I do completely understand her side and having stuff to get done. Only, in the past she has repeatedly told me I was welcome any time. This time she said it was difficult with out of town people and people in town and all. The thing is that D was already staying so how much harder was that? What she wrote shouldn't have hurt me because I told her to be honest but if I'm being honest, too, it really did. If a friend of mine were coming over here alone and needed a place to stay for the night I would not treat her request with such brusque words and I would tell her of course. D told me I should just stay and get up. My problem, though, was that I was going to be riding down to another city with another friend and that wasn't going to be until late afternoon. I didn't know where to go for 6-7 hours, all alone, and I knew I was going to have a headache from my stress, emotions, and traveling (I never drink enough water when I don't have a "base" I can be at).

So, I got a very cheap hotel room with help from my mother. I was trying to do this trip as cheaply as possible because I don't have a lot of money to spend on such things and just sleeping on the floor at someone's house would have been so helpful and a blessing. Thanks to my mother! After the in-store I made my way to my hotel and checked in. The doors opened to the parking lot, not to hallways, which I had been expecting, and I felt a little nervous at the fact I was staying by myself with just a thing door between me and anyone outside, but determined to feel fine. It wasn't anything special but it would do. I should have relaxed or taken a nap but I had to be ready in 2 hours to meet a group of people for dinner. I always like to unpack and put my things about me when I'm staying in a room or hotel, so I fluttered around, putting my toiletries away, putting the snacks I'd bought on the table, and watching random things on the tv (after I fixed the cable attachment so it wasn't fuzzy).

I am afraid time got away from me. It was the first time in a few days I felt a little relaxed and I did not want to get ready or go out. The show wasn't until 9pm so I wished dinner, at a restaurant quite close to the venue, were set for 7pm rather than 6:15pm. That 45 minutes would have made a huge difference to me. But, anyway, I left at 6pm, underestimated the time it would take me to get there and find parking, and, of course, had trouble with the GPS. Got to dinner. Felt like I had no one to talk to, though I sat quite close to D & P, and completely out of the loop. I went up to the bathroom with D, who started telling me that another of the group, who is very manipulative and acts like she's best friends forever with this musician, had told her bad things about him and she'd tell me later. Thanks for bringing me down & making me feel anxious about him and the show. Another friend who I don't really enjoy spending a lot of time with, A, hadn't been able to make dinner but was coming for the show asked if we could wait to walk over to the venue so she didn't have to walk alone. I felt a bit annoyed because people always ask things like this of me but never reciprocate. Besides, it was a very happening area and there were plenty of people around. She was driving around looking for parking. I have no sense of direction or the area, which I had never been to before, so I said I needed to stay with the group. I felt guilty but I didn't want to end up separated and lost.

I walked to the venue with the group and went in. A called & asked if I would go with her while she parked and then walk back. I gave in and went out. It took forever but we parked over by where I had parked and made our way back. I sort of just stayed around the people I was with, waiting for the show. Some of the things D had said made me not want to be by the stage so I hung back while A went closer. I felt cut off and alone because P & D were just talking with the manipulative one and another girl.

It was a great turnout at the show and I felt so proud. I have put a lot of work into L's career and I was proud that things were happening for him. This would be the first time I would see him play with a band so I was anxious about how that would be. And I was still feeling out of place and alone. It was such a blessing that 2 of my "cousins" came! I was so very glad to see them I could have cried. For the first time in awhile I didn't feel alone. It was wonderful. They really loved L and the show was great!!

Afterward, we waited awhile & then most of us walked to our cars. I went with A and we separated after we got to our cars. I went back to my hotel and was so glad to be in my room, all alone. Isn't it weird how one can feel alone and then be with people and then be glad to be alone? I just wanted away from the awkwardness and to relax. I ended up staying up much too late, eating a little snack and watching Justified while trying to drink as much water as possible, though I knew I would probably not defeat the Headache.

Continued next . . .

Things That Annoy #1

These things annoy me:

1. When people always call & want to chat & leave voicemails.
1. I HATE talking on the phone. I don't even do it with my best friend. 
2. I HATE voicemails (most of the time) & have a number of special ones (see, I do like some) saved, so whenever someone leaves a new one I have to go through & save all the ones I want. Just send me a text, peeps!
3. I hate chatting on the phone. Did I mention that?
2. People who now hate Twilight simply because they think it is cooler to say they hate it. I love love love Twilight, the books, the movies, everything. I won't apologize for it. Or pretend I don't really like it. Or bash it like mad. I won't do any of that just to seem cool. I think it is cooler to remain true to oneself & like something when one likes something. Loyalty is cool.
3. People who aren't willing to sacrifice a little time or do something a little difficult or tedious for other people. Rude. 
4. People who get everything they want & forget that you helped them get it all. Thanks. So much.
5. The incorrect use of "you're" and "your." FIGURE IT OUT, MORONS!!!

Disquieted

I have been feeling quite, quite mopey since last night & can't really decide what specifically happened last night to make me feel this way, other than a conversation with a friend. I suppose I'm a bit worried because of a tiny thing I don't agree with her on, which she says doesn't bother her, but she has been quiet since then.

I had a very difficult time falling asleep last night because I was disquieted. That's the perfect word. And I have been that way ever since. I laid in bed, my mind churning, churning, churning, over everything that is/could be bothering me: money, work, bills, friendships, loneliness, sadness over what once was, life in general, etc. And that carried over into today. I'm exhausted. I worked a full day & an extra period. Came home & made something time-consuming to prepare for dinner. Tomorrow I work in the day & the evening. Saturday I work quite early, a full day, but I can never manage to get to bed early enough to feel somewhat rested for that sort of thing. Sunday I work 4.5 hours.

I just want to be for a bit.

I was surrounded by noise all day & only wanted the solitude of music. I usually always listened to music in the car but the stereo face & ipod cord were stolen a couple of weeks ago. Heart break. No music in the car. I need my music in the car. It is what makes being anywhere with lots of people bearable. Now I do not have it. And I need it so very badly. There's not often opportunity at home to have music loudly playing (not too loudly, mind). I love my iPod but I like to have music out loud, as it is meant to be heard, and to sing along with it. Maybe someone else will fall in love with it when I'm playing with it. Now I have silence. I can live with silence. I love it. But I also need music to drown out the noise of life and ease me into silence.

Right now I'm melancholy. Alone. Disheartened by life. Irritated by people. Exhausted with no time to rest. So I'm going to go use up an iTunes gift card on Johnny Flynn, Laura Marling, & more.

Update: Of course, I go to redeem my gift card & I can't get the code on the back to work. At all. And when did songs change to $1.29? Bugger!

"Alas, I Cannot Swim"

Rough Week

This week is the final week for the seniors at school & I'm feeling quite sad about that fact. I will miss them terribly. This, I know, is the basis for my feeling down, but that depressive feeling manifests over other things that are constants in my life.

I've just been feeling quite alone this week. I shall have to write a post about something that happened with a group of friends earlier this spring, but I don't want to yet. Suffice it to say that I have been feeling rather alone since then & every time I see them communicate with each other I feel a stab of loneliness & isolation. I do have other friends but it was with these friends that I have been building something since the end of December, a project that I seem to be unneeded for.

Perhaps it is wrong with such good, other friends, to still feel alone, but I do. Why is it that when you have friends who support & love you sometimes you still only feel sad over those who no longer do or don't make the effort? For example, when some very sweet friends send you lovely birthday presents unexpectedly, which make you very happy, but you still cry over those "friends" who hardly wished you a happy day?

But, anyway, this week I've felt quite lonely, isolated, and unwanted. I don't want to feel this way. I don't try to feel this way.

Last night I was watching an episode of The Mentalist, which is a show I like, and my eye was caught by Patrick Jane's wedding ring. He's widowed on the show but keeps it on. I love that the character still wears it. But, the sight of it made me very sad  . . . because I'm not married. I never have been. I probably, most likely, never will be. I didn't mean to think that way. It just happened.

So I went to bed early-ish & read a romance novel, one of my favorites, Romancing Mr. Bridgerton, and I identify very closely with the heroine, Penelope, only I don't know any Colin Bridgertons. And that sort of thing won't ever happen to me. I hardly know any men & none who live here or are my friends. And I don't know how to go about making friends with any, let alone dating any. And I won't go to bars.

Last weekend someone was filling in at work & by the end of the day she was telling me she ought to fix me up on a date with her son. She said he had gone on a date with one of her friend's daughters but he hadn't enjoyed it because the girl wasn't interested in intellectual things. I suppose I should take it as a compliment that after knowing me for 7.5 hours she considered me smart, etc., but I don't want that sort of thing happening. If I'm ever to go on a date, I want it to be because a gentleman is interested enough in me to ask. Not because his mother thought I wasn't stupid & wants him to date. I would rather be alone than have people fix me up. Yes, I will consent to be proud in this manner. It is all I have.