Things That Annoy #1

These things annoy me:

1. When people always call & want to chat & leave voicemails.
1. I HATE talking on the phone. I don't even do it with my best friend. 
2. I HATE voicemails (most of the time) & have a number of special ones (see, I do like some) saved, so whenever someone leaves a new one I have to go through & save all the ones I want. Just send me a text, peeps!
3. I hate chatting on the phone. Did I mention that?
2. People who now hate Twilight simply because they think it is cooler to say they hate it. I love love love Twilight, the books, the movies, everything. I won't apologize for it. Or pretend I don't really like it. Or bash it like mad. I won't do any of that just to seem cool. I think it is cooler to remain true to oneself & like something when one likes something. Loyalty is cool.
3. People who aren't willing to sacrifice a little time or do something a little difficult or tedious for other people. Rude. 
4. People who get everything they want & forget that you helped them get it all. Thanks. So much.
5. The incorrect use of "you're" and "your." FIGURE IT OUT, MORONS!!!

Disquieted

I have been feeling quite, quite mopey since last night & can't really decide what specifically happened last night to make me feel this way, other than a conversation with a friend. I suppose I'm a bit worried because of a tiny thing I don't agree with her on, which she says doesn't bother her, but she has been quiet since then.

I had a very difficult time falling asleep last night because I was disquieted. That's the perfect word. And I have been that way ever since. I laid in bed, my mind churning, churning, churning, over everything that is/could be bothering me: money, work, bills, friendships, loneliness, sadness over what once was, life in general, etc. And that carried over into today. I'm exhausted. I worked a full day & an extra period. Came home & made something time-consuming to prepare for dinner. Tomorrow I work in the day & the evening. Saturday I work quite early, a full day, but I can never manage to get to bed early enough to feel somewhat rested for that sort of thing. Sunday I work 4.5 hours.

I just want to be for a bit.

I was surrounded by noise all day & only wanted the solitude of music. I usually always listened to music in the car but the stereo face & ipod cord were stolen a couple of weeks ago. Heart break. No music in the car. I need my music in the car. It is what makes being anywhere with lots of people bearable. Now I do not have it. And I need it so very badly. There's not often opportunity at home to have music loudly playing (not too loudly, mind). I love my iPod but I like to have music out loud, as it is meant to be heard, and to sing along with it. Maybe someone else will fall in love with it when I'm playing with it. Now I have silence. I can live with silence. I love it. But I also need music to drown out the noise of life and ease me into silence.

Right now I'm melancholy. Alone. Disheartened by life. Irritated by people. Exhausted with no time to rest. So I'm going to go use up an iTunes gift card on Johnny Flynn, Laura Marling, & more.

Update: Of course, I go to redeem my gift card & I can't get the code on the back to work. At all. And when did songs change to $1.29? Bugger!

"Alas, I Cannot Swim"

Rough Week

This week is the final week for the seniors at school & I'm feeling quite sad about that fact. I will miss them terribly. This, I know, is the basis for my feeling down, but that depressive feeling manifests over other things that are constants in my life.

I've just been feeling quite alone this week. I shall have to write a post about something that happened with a group of friends earlier this spring, but I don't want to yet. Suffice it to say that I have been feeling rather alone since then & every time I see them communicate with each other I feel a stab of loneliness & isolation. I do have other friends but it was with these friends that I have been building something since the end of December, a project that I seem to be unneeded for.

Perhaps it is wrong with such good, other friends, to still feel alone, but I do. Why is it that when you have friends who support & love you sometimes you still only feel sad over those who no longer do or don't make the effort? For example, when some very sweet friends send you lovely birthday presents unexpectedly, which make you very happy, but you still cry over those "friends" who hardly wished you a happy day?

But, anyway, this week I've felt quite lonely, isolated, and unwanted. I don't want to feel this way. I don't try to feel this way.

Last night I was watching an episode of The Mentalist, which is a show I like, and my eye was caught by Patrick Jane's wedding ring. He's widowed on the show but keeps it on. I love that the character still wears it. But, the sight of it made me very sad  . . . because I'm not married. I never have been. I probably, most likely, never will be. I didn't mean to think that way. It just happened.

So I went to bed early-ish & read a romance novel, one of my favorites, Romancing Mr. Bridgerton, and I identify very closely with the heroine, Penelope, only I don't know any Colin Bridgertons. And that sort of thing won't ever happen to me. I hardly know any men & none who live here or are my friends. And I don't know how to go about making friends with any, let alone dating any. And I won't go to bars.

Last weekend someone was filling in at work & by the end of the day she was telling me she ought to fix me up on a date with her son. She said he had gone on a date with one of her friend's daughters but he hadn't enjoyed it because the girl wasn't interested in intellectual things. I suppose I should take it as a compliment that after knowing me for 7.5 hours she considered me smart, etc., but I don't want that sort of thing happening. If I'm ever to go on a date, I want it to be because a gentleman is interested enough in me to ask. Not because his mother thought I wasn't stupid & wants him to date. I would rather be alone than have people fix me up. Yes, I will consent to be proud in this manner. It is all I have.

One Moment

I intended to write more, on the occasion of my birthday, but I obviously did not.

I was just lying on the couch, reading a frivolous, silly romance novel, and was actually brought to tears. Pathetic though it is, it made me sad to read about the heroine being so close, physically, to the hero, to have him hold her hand or kiss her or just to be standing close. I don't know what any of that feels like. And I don't think I ever will.

Sometimes I am filled with such an intense longing to simply be held, even for a moment, by a guy who even just likes me. Just to feel safe and secure for a moment, like nothing can hurt me.

It hits me on occasion, when I see a couple together, just being, or I'm watching a show or movie, or I'm reading a novel, or listening to a sweet song. It isn't even a romantic feeling, but rather a sense of belonging, belonging with another person. I've never experienced that.

Despite the purpose of this blog, which is just to share my deepest feelings, I'm quite a strong person, very independent and self-sufficient. I don't rely on other people. I don't share my feelings or seek comfort, assurance, or strength. At least not often or in significant ways. I do sometimes say I'm feeling sad or a bit melancholy, but I don't reveal the depth. Instead, I strengthen others, provide comfort, assurance, love, support. I don't like to be weak and ask for it. I don't even know who I would ask. And when I feel I have been particularly verbal in my weakness I feel bad, as though I am asking much too much. So I retreat inside, where I am strongest and weakest, and I am very quiet. And people don't usually bother to seek me out.

And that leads me back to just wanting to be held & belong. JUST FOR A MOMENT. I feel like if I had that one moment I could just be strong again on my own. Because I know my life is meant to be one of solitude, alone-ness, loneliness, etc., and I know I won't have anyone to rely on for the years, but I feel it is unfair (though I know God is always with me & wants only the best for me) that I am not allowed to have even the one moment of knowing I belong with someone . . . I'm willing to have that life of solitude without (much) complaining if only I can have a moment.

But, to judge by the past, which is, in truth, my life's occupation, the past, the future does not have any such moment in it. And so I continue on in not very Splendid Isolation.

I could just use a hug. Or a press one a hand in my own, however fleetingly . . .

Perdita's Tale

In a few short days I shall reach the age of 29.

If I look back at my life, I wouldn't have imagined I would be such a failure at this age. I'm a year away from 30 and I haven't got a proper job (try a number of lesser ones that add up to not good enough) a car, a house, a husband (no, nor even a boyfriend), or a group of close friends nearby.

For years I have struggled with feeling bad about myself. I'm a very good person. I care about people. I work hard. I don't have any major vices (unless one considers lack of patience & a major vice). I'm a very, very good friend (I say this with all modesty: I've yet to meet anyone who is as good a friend as I.).

And yet, late at night I cry in my bed because I feel like I am a failure, not good enough for anyone, and I don't know how to turn my life around.

I decided to begin this blog not as a place to whine but a place to share my feelings and my thoughts and my theories. I never tell anyone how I feel. I haven't anyone to tell . . . except you . . .