"Alas, I Cannot Swim"

Rough Week

This week is the final week for the seniors at school & I'm feeling quite sad about that fact. I will miss them terribly. This, I know, is the basis for my feeling down, but that depressive feeling manifests over other things that are constants in my life.

I've just been feeling quite alone this week. I shall have to write a post about something that happened with a group of friends earlier this spring, but I don't want to yet. Suffice it to say that I have been feeling rather alone since then & every time I see them communicate with each other I feel a stab of loneliness & isolation. I do have other friends but it was with these friends that I have been building something since the end of December, a project that I seem to be unneeded for.

Perhaps it is wrong with such good, other friends, to still feel alone, but I do. Why is it that when you have friends who support & love you sometimes you still only feel sad over those who no longer do or don't make the effort? For example, when some very sweet friends send you lovely birthday presents unexpectedly, which make you very happy, but you still cry over those "friends" who hardly wished you a happy day?

But, anyway, this week I've felt quite lonely, isolated, and unwanted. I don't want to feel this way. I don't try to feel this way.

Last night I was watching an episode of The Mentalist, which is a show I like, and my eye was caught by Patrick Jane's wedding ring. He's widowed on the show but keeps it on. I love that the character still wears it. But, the sight of it made me very sad  . . . because I'm not married. I never have been. I probably, most likely, never will be. I didn't mean to think that way. It just happened.

So I went to bed early-ish & read a romance novel, one of my favorites, Romancing Mr. Bridgerton, and I identify very closely with the heroine, Penelope, only I don't know any Colin Bridgertons. And that sort of thing won't ever happen to me. I hardly know any men & none who live here or are my friends. And I don't know how to go about making friends with any, let alone dating any. And I won't go to bars.

Last weekend someone was filling in at work & by the end of the day she was telling me she ought to fix me up on a date with her son. She said he had gone on a date with one of her friend's daughters but he hadn't enjoyed it because the girl wasn't interested in intellectual things. I suppose I should take it as a compliment that after knowing me for 7.5 hours she considered me smart, etc., but I don't want that sort of thing happening. If I'm ever to go on a date, I want it to be because a gentleman is interested enough in me to ask. Not because his mother thought I wasn't stupid & wants him to date. I would rather be alone than have people fix me up. Yes, I will consent to be proud in this manner. It is all I have.