One Moment

I intended to write more, on the occasion of my birthday, but I obviously did not.

I was just lying on the couch, reading a frivolous, silly romance novel, and was actually brought to tears. Pathetic though it is, it made me sad to read about the heroine being so close, physically, to the hero, to have him hold her hand or kiss her or just to be standing close. I don't know what any of that feels like. And I don't think I ever will.

Sometimes I am filled with such an intense longing to simply be held, even for a moment, by a guy who even just likes me. Just to feel safe and secure for a moment, like nothing can hurt me.

It hits me on occasion, when I see a couple together, just being, or I'm watching a show or movie, or I'm reading a novel, or listening to a sweet song. It isn't even a romantic feeling, but rather a sense of belonging, belonging with another person. I've never experienced that.

Despite the purpose of this blog, which is just to share my deepest feelings, I'm quite a strong person, very independent and self-sufficient. I don't rely on other people. I don't share my feelings or seek comfort, assurance, or strength. At least not often or in significant ways. I do sometimes say I'm feeling sad or a bit melancholy, but I don't reveal the depth. Instead, I strengthen others, provide comfort, assurance, love, support. I don't like to be weak and ask for it. I don't even know who I would ask. And when I feel I have been particularly verbal in my weakness I feel bad, as though I am asking much too much. So I retreat inside, where I am strongest and weakest, and I am very quiet. And people don't usually bother to seek me out.

And that leads me back to just wanting to be held & belong. JUST FOR A MOMENT. I feel like if I had that one moment I could just be strong again on my own. Because I know my life is meant to be one of solitude, alone-ness, loneliness, etc., and I know I won't have anyone to rely on for the years, but I feel it is unfair (though I know God is always with me & wants only the best for me) that I am not allowed to have even the one moment of knowing I belong with someone . . . I'm willing to have that life of solitude without (much) complaining if only I can have a moment.

But, to judge by the past, which is, in truth, my life's occupation, the past, the future does not have any such moment in it. And so I continue on in not very Splendid Isolation.

I could just use a hug. Or a press one a hand in my own, however fleetingly . . .

Perdita's Tale

In a few short days I shall reach the age of 29.

If I look back at my life, I wouldn't have imagined I would be such a failure at this age. I'm a year away from 30 and I haven't got a proper job (try a number of lesser ones that add up to not good enough) a car, a house, a husband (no, nor even a boyfriend), or a group of close friends nearby.

For years I have struggled with feeling bad about myself. I'm a very good person. I care about people. I work hard. I don't have any major vices (unless one considers lack of patience & a major vice). I'm a very, very good friend (I say this with all modesty: I've yet to meet anyone who is as good a friend as I.).

And yet, late at night I cry in my bed because I feel like I am a failure, not good enough for anyone, and I don't know how to turn my life around.

I decided to begin this blog not as a place to whine but a place to share my feelings and my thoughts and my theories. I never tell anyone how I feel. I haven't anyone to tell . . . except you . . .