Review

This evening I got my review at my 2nd job. It went pretty well except that apparently my "coworkers say she is a complainer."

Great. Not just that I "complain" but that I AM "a complainer."

I'm upset about this. I know I complain. I haven't been happy the last year or so, other than some brilliant flashes of light. And I'm never happy to be at that job. The manager does not treat me fairly and other people complain frequently, too. When I complain I do it along with the person I am working with, so is everyone being labeled "a complainer"?

I have basically had to work every day around every holiday and every holiday since I began working there. If I don't manage to ask for one of those days off, then I'll have to work it. This happens to no one else. I could write a list here but I need to get some sleep. Seriously, it never fails. And the manager made a rule that no more than 3 people could ask for a specific day off. I'm not there as often so usually when I get the chance people (who have already had all the holidays/days off) have already put their names down. So, being a rule follower, I don't write my name down, too. And then I am punished for that by having to work it.

The new girl, who started before the holidays AS HOLIDAY HELP, wrote her name down for a specific day which already had 3 names on it. I would have enjoyed that day off but since there were already 3 requests I didn't do it. But she did and she got it off and I had to work. She also didn't have to work Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas. I worked both. She was hired to work as holiday help. So she should have worked the holidays. And she often gets more hours than I do or better shifts. And no, it isn't because I complain. The manager is the only one who makes the schedules and I never complain to her because it wouldn't do any good. (And before you ask, I'm sure she would have mentioned this during my review if she did this because she knew I get upset. She schedules herself first and she doesn't care.)

One is likely to struggle through unfair treatment if there comes a day when she is no longer the new person and is no longer treated like the new person, given the worst shifts, all the holidays, etc., etc. But when she is no longer the new associate and is still treated the same way it doesn't lead to happiness. Instead, it leads to a demoralized, depressed attitude. What is the point of working extra hours when we suddenly have some that need filled or going in when a co-worker calls in sick, even though it was the only day off? Yes, I could use the money but is it unimportant that I am willing to do what is needed for the store? That I give of myself? Why do I bother?

I complain at work about work. Isn't that how life goes? I complain because I hope someone will say "Yes, you have been treated badly. I'll see if I can mention it discreetly." I would do that for someone. The manager told me that I need to leave my complaining at the door and to know "everyone here cares about you." YEAH RIGHT. That's why I work all the holidays/days around holidays/worst shifts . . . because everyone cares.

So now I'm afraid to say anything at all because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. So what do I do when co-workers start complaining? Remain silent? I feel like never talking again.

I can't win for losing in this life. Someday I hope to find a job where I am treated with respect and fairness and I'm so happy that I have nothing to complain about. So far it doesn't seem likely.

I hate this. I wish I could just get over this. I wish I were a more optimistic person but I'm just not. I haven't been happy for a long time and I don't know how to just make myself be that way. It honestly isn't in my nature. The thing is, I like who I am and I don't feel the need to change for anybody. That's not to say I don't complain too much; I probably do. But I'm not going to suddenly be a more cheerful person just because someone else wants me to be. I don't want to be that way, all fake-y and plastic. I'M NOT GOING TO BE FAKE. I am who I am and I love who I am. There are things I want to improve about myself, but I know that I am a good and supportive person, that I try to make the people around me feel loved or at least better (I do try, even though I'm not as good about it with family).

I also work during the day, often, and then go to my second job in the evenings, which means I'm already exhausted from working with teenagers all day. I'm very, very much an introvert and being around people exhausts me. I rarely feel well rested so it is hard to be at a 2nd job while I should be having dinner and relaxing like most people. I'M TIRED. When I'm tired I get irritable and I complain. Don't like it? Don't listen.

I suppose I shall just have to use this blog to share my frustrations since I can't do it at work and I have no one who cares to listen. Perhaps it will be cathartic?